Stupid Laurel Trick No. 43

Terry_A._Harper at hudsmtpro03.hud.gov Terry_A._Harper at hudsmtpro03.hud.gov
Mon Aug 26 06:07:19 PDT 1996


<snip, in response to a facetious question about how one harvests prickly
pear fruit>
>> Dear Reader,
>> 
>>       After some experimentation, the Viking Answer Lady has found that if
> one intends to make prickly pear cordial from scratch, one should NOT ask a
>> cooking Laurel how to harvest the fruit.  Ask a Viking.  My suggestion is to
>> purchase the fruit at your local grocery.  If that proves too expensive,
>> send your apprentices.  Do not tell them about the invisible glockets that
>> WILL stick into the meaty parts of your hands and require duct tape (or
>> other sticky tape) to remove: this way you will not only have your prickly
>> pears, you will also have hours of entertainment listening to your
>> apprentices moan and bitch.  Or, if you MUST do it yourself, take a
>> wide-aperture, self-igniting blowtorch and gently fan the @!$%$# cactus
>> until the &^%$#@!@# spines are crispy critters.  If caught in the field
>without a suitable blowtorch, the Viking Answer Lady has found that taking 
>> a rattan sword and swinging it like a golf club WILL remove the fruits from
>the cactus, which may then be scooped up with a pair of plastic cups left in
>one's floorboard to protect the hands.  DO remember to remove the 
>> embedded thorns from the sword BEFORE your next tournament.
>> 
>> ---The Viking Answer Lady
>=========================================================
>
>Dear Viking Answer Lady,
>
>Now that I am done laughing my ass off.....exactly how does one play golf
with a rattan 
>sword and prickly pear cactus (that are available at Central Market for 49
cents each)
>
>a confused Celt
>
==========================================================

Gentle Reader:

        One first takes the sword in a two-handed grip, as if the weapon
were a claymore.  Next, one stands square to the prickly pear (i.e., facing
the plant square-on), with one's feet spread at about shoulder width for a
balanced stance.  The club, er, I mean, the sword is raised in a gentle
swing back over the shoulder, then forcefully propelled towards the prickly
pear fruit.  As the club, I mean, sword, descends, one's hips should swivel
to follow the movement.  KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE CACTUS AT ALL TIMES!!  The tip
of the sword, I mean club, no I meant sword, should contact the fruit of the
cactus and cause it to go flying off at a tangental angle.  FOLLOW THROUGH,
however, do be careful that on the follow-through one does not twist far
enough that one looses one's balance and falls ass over teakettle into the
prickly pear bush.  There is not enough duct tape in the world to remedy
this particular mistake!  One should have an able-bodied assistant
down-range if at all possible, to try to catch the flying fruit in a cup.
If they catch it on the fly, your team gets 100 extra points.  If the
catcher cataches it by having the spines affix themselves in her anatomy
somewhere, you loose 100 points, plus an additional 15 points for each time
the enraged assistant hits you with a prickly pear leaf in retaliation.  

        The Viking Answer Lady sincerly hopes that this clears up your wild
Celtic confusion.

--- The Viking Answer Lady

Hi Gunnora!  I knew it would be "different" once you got online!!!!

          Rhiain




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