[IR] Heroine Barbarian by Kevin Wald (fwd)

[dennis grace]

Greetings Cosyns,

Lyonel ici.

First, of course, congratulations to Their Royal Ansteorran Highnesses, Kein
and Alicia.

Second, in honor of our virago princess, Aquilanne suggested I forward the
following bit of silliness to the Ansteorran list.  A friend on the
Artemisian list forwarded it from the Iron Rose list.

>[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of
>Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are
>attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle
>intervenes, with a recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo):]
>
>Gabrielle: Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
>              Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
>           Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
>              Are guarded by a buff barbarian!
>
>Pirates: We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
>         They're guarded by a buff barbarian.
>
>Maidens: Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.
>
>[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air
>somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]
>
>Xena: Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]
>
>    I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
>    Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
>    I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they 
>        call it in
>    Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
>    I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian[2]
>    And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian[3]
>    (And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
>    To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).
>
>Chorus: To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
>        To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
>        To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!
>
>Xena: My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
>    My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical[4]
>    (To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan[5]).
>    I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
>
>Chorus: To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan --
>        She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
>
>Xena: I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous[6]
>    (Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by _sensus 
>           tactilis_[7].)
>    And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
>    From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
>    I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
>    And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient[8];
>    He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna 
>         whack it -- he's
>    Aware that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
>
>[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter
>confusion. She sighs.] It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"!
>[Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.] Sheesh . . .
>
>Chorus: He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
>        He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
>        He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhe-makhetes_,
>
>Xena: Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
>    (It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
>    And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian[9]).
>    I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
>
>Chorus: It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
>        She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
>
>Xena: In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
>    And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
>    And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
>    To one that shows her omphalos[10] (as cute as that of Omphale[11]),
>    And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon[12],
>    [She holds up a tomato:]
>    And where we found examples of the genus _Lycopersicon_[13],
>    And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
>    You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
>
>Chorus: We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
>        We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
>        We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!
>
>Xena: But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
>    (It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
>    Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
>    I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
>
>Chorus: 'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
>        She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
>
>[As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee ensues,
>and the curtain has to be brought down.]
>
>
>Notes:
>
>[1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third syllable;
>    Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene,
>    incidentally, is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the
>    poet Sappho, as a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything,
>    Gilbert is trying to imply here.)
>
>[2] parthenian: virginal.
>
>[3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was
>    written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the
>    adoption of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her
>    writing in Linear B; if _Xena_ takes place around the time of the
>    Trojan war, this is chronologically reasonable.
>
>[4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".
>
>[5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close
>    relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.
>
>[6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to
>    _rhododaktulos eos_ -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)
>
>[7] _sensus tactilis_: Latin for "the sense of touch".
>
>[8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as
>    _alala_ or _alale_) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently
>    meaning "characterized by ululation".
>
>[9] sagittarian: archer-like.
>
>[10] omphalos: belly-button.
>
>[11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume
>     that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical 
>     source seems to address this vital issue.
>
>[12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".
>
>[13] _Lycopersicon_: the biological genus to which tomatoes are assigned. 
>    (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the
>    Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a _Xena_
>    -ish context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell the
>    tale of Spartacus.) 
___________________________________________

Yours in Service,

Sir Lyonel Oliver Grace