If I were an Evil Overlord......
R o W
robertwestmar at juno.com
Fri Feb 7 10:39:11 PST 1997
Forwarded from the twisted mind of a Western knight-----------
--------- Begin forwarded message ----------
If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded
by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and
asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?"
My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle
in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan
will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant
who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a
small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel
no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles
or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies
wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word
"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.
Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as
well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until
after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them
as members of my organization, nor will they be required to
wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette,
or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If
I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will
set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero
is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire
a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is
sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek
to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you,
there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen
to their advice.
--------- End forwarded message ----------
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