[SCA-CAID:8469] Re: Shield Presses.....The Bardic Workout! (fwd)

[SierraSunset]

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 17:28:42 -0700
From: Bruce Padget <niccolo at bitcorp.net>
To: Multiple recipients of list <artemisia at server.umt.edu>
Subject: [SCA-CAID:8469] Re: Shield Presses.....The Bardic Workout! (fwd)

This struck me as a really good workout program for the war.
Niccolo

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 1996 14:01:25 -0800 (PST)
From: TrueRhymer at aol.com
To: Multiple recipients of list <sca-caid at anthrax.ecst.csuchico.edu>
Subject: [SCA-CAID:8469] Re: Shield Presses.....The Bardic Workout!

Now that we have a work out routine for warriors, I must call attention to
those flabby bardic muscles of the SCA.  And now, without much futher ado,
the
20 minute Bardic work out.  (Some props required)
1.  The Bardic Dual tankard lift;
With two full tankards or drinking horns, do 30 reps, at full extension,
while thanking your host profusely.
2.  The Bardic Call to Battle;
Respond instantly to any Buffet line, being one of the first served.  While
Bellying up to the bar, fill 3 large wooden plates, and drinking horn, while
thanking your host profusely.  Repeat until laquer is worn off of plates.
3.  The Bardic Squat and Lunge.
Sit closely to a fire, sing at the top of your lungs, while inhaling enough
smoke to cure a ham.  When person asks for chair, Thank your host profusely,
and lunge for another chair.  Repeat until all chairs have been sat in.
4.  The Bardic Pentathalon;
Book several conflicting gigs.  While carrying a full tankard, and a 40lb
music book,  and wearing lifethreatening clothing, run full tilt into totally
dark forest after sitting in front of  a blazing fire.  See how many wrong
encampments you run into before you find the right one.  After you run into
your 7th tree, crawl to the nearest encampment, ask for a beer, and thank
your host profusley.
5. The Bardic Flirt and Duck/Run
Find cute person of your desire.  This person will usually be attended by the
largest, scariest person outside of  Prison Movie.  Flirt, Duck, Run.  Repeat
until cornered.  When the encampment pulls you out of the tree, thank your
host profusely.
6.  The Bardic test of "Manhood/Womanhood"
Find the least most receptive encampment (I recommend the Orkneys).
Uninvited, Sing 20 minutes of ancient Latvian Siege Yodeling, complete with
!bangi glottal stops. While inhaling burning embers. Survive.  Find the
nearest friendly encampment, and let them peel off the Duct tape.  Thank your
host profusely.
7.  The Bardic "Dreaded Eyebrow of Scorn"
Find the most "Arts" orientated encampment.  While surrounded completely by
people wearing significant medallions and ornaments, take a request for the
hardest piece of material you've barely learned.  Perform, while the 3 people
with Ph.d's in Folklore, Musicology, and Ethnolinguistics, prepare a doctoral
critique on what you did wrong.  Watch as their 9 year old daughter performs
it, beautifully, while playing the Harp, backwards, blindfolded.  Pick
flattened ego off ground, crawl away, thanking your host profusely.

I find that this particular work out, will give you a meager chance at
surviving a war, but it is an easy exercise to warm up with.  _/;{]} (True /
Thomas White Hart)