ANST - Fw: death and the mail
Angus mac Taggart/Rik Packham
aquinas at eden.com
Fri Jul 25 10:36:50 PDT 1997
Even though I know this is not following anything even close to the topics
of these lists, I thought you all would get a chuckle off of these
humourous, if morbid, words:
>>Dead Men Read No Mail
>>
>>By Scott Hanson, from the Orlando Sentinel Star newspaper
>>
>>My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.
>>
>>Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much
>>really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank,
>>insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their
>>customers was no more.
>>
>>You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of
>>correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for
>>months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail
>>from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on,
>>determined to contact him anyway.
>>
>>The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's
>>bank.
>>
>> Dear Mr. Hanson,
>> Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft
>> protection on your checking account. Efforts to
>> contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we
>> are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00
>> service charge from you account. Please adjust your
>> records accordingly.
>> Sincerely,
>> The Phoenix Branch
>>
>> Dear Phoenix Branch,
>> This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died
>> Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be
>> overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and
>> adjust your books accordingly.
>> Sincerely,
>> Scott Hansom
>>
>>Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance
>>company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain
>>terms of his death.
>>
>> Dear Mr. Hanson,
>> It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To
>> continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this
>> office immediately. Failure to do so will result in
>> the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of
>> your coverage.
>> Sincerely,
>> Your Insurance Agent
>>
>> Dear Insurance Agent,
>> This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead
>> since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in
>> a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the
>> policy, and adjust your books accordingly.
>> Sincerely,
>> Scott Hanson.
>>
>>The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:
>>
>> Dear Mr. Hanson,
>> Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it
>> is very important that you contact me immediately. I
>> sense that you are about to enter a time of
>> unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the
>> enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how
>> best to take full advantage of the opportunities that
>> are coming your way.
>> Sincerely,
>> Your Psychic Reader
>>
>> Dear Psychic Reader,
>> My father regrets he will be unable to call you 900
>> number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know
>> my father is dead, and had been for more that three
>> weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my
>> father would be more than happy to take you up on your
>> offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet
>> with him personally.
>> Sincerely,
>> Scott Hanson
>> P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the
>> future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car
>> insurance.
>>
>>A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:
>>
>> Dear Mr. Hanson,
>> Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for
>> overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts
>> to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay
>> the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make
>> other arrangements.
>> We appreciate your business and look forward to serving
>> all of your future borrowing needs.
>> Sincerely,
>> Your Bank's San Diego
>> District Office
>>
>> Dear San Diego District Office,
>> I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you
>> my father died in January. Since then, the number of
>> checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being
>> dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection
>> or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no
>> longer needs.
>> As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your
>> breath.
>> Sincerely,
>> Scott Hanson
>>
>> Dear Mr. Hanson,
>> Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your
>> insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven
>> unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned
>> over to us for collection.
>> Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we
>> will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.
>> Sincerely,
>> Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency
>>
>> Dear Collection Agency,
>> I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead.
>> He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead,
>> dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that.
>> Please adjust your books accordingly.
>> Sincerely,
>> Scott Hanson
>>
>>A few more months, and:
>>
>> Dear Mr. Hanson,
>> Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued
>> for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our
>> efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful.
>> Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the
>> matter will be turned over to a collection agency.
>> Such action will adversely affect your credit history.
>> Sincerely,
>> Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office
>>
>> Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
>> I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person
>> at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father
>> passed away in January.
>> Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of
>> amazement and amusement as your bank continues to
>> transact business with him. Now, you are even
>> threatening his credit history.
>> It should come as no surprise that you have received
>> little response from my deceased father. It should
>> also be small news that his credit history is of minor
>> importance to him now.
>> For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books
>> accordingly.
>> Sincerely,
>> Scott Hanson
>>
>> Dear Mr. Hanson,
>> This is your final notice of payment due to your
>> insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment
>> of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter.
>> Please contact us at once.
>> Sincerely,
>> Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency
>>
>> Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
>> You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.
>> Sincerely,
>> Scott Hanson
>>
>>It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these
>>firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my
>>father is dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving
>>similar correspondence.
>>
>>Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them
>>would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead
>>are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to
>>put business correspondence in its proper perspective.
>>
>>Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post
>>office there.
>>
>>(Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in
>>Orlando.)
Laird Angus mac Taggart
Barony of Bryn Gwlad: http://www.eden.com/~aquinas/bryn.gwlad/
Crossroads to the S.C.A.: http://www.eden.com/~aquinas/sca/
Laird Angus mac Taggart: aquinas at eden.com
Lady Cecily Garland: cecily at eden.com
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