ANST - Fw: Humor..read entirely!!
Michelle Vernon-Cole
mikaela at sonetcom.com
Mon Dec 21 14:42:02 PST 1998
Hey got this ......and tho it takes a little time to read....thought you may
like it.....I did especially the part about the Ice Chest!!!!
Mikael
-----Original Message-----
From: Dennis J Dolan <djdolan at juno.com>
To: Ansteorra-chivalry at Ansteorra.ORG <Ansteorra-chivalry at Ansteorra.ORG>
Date: Monday, December 21, 1998 3:17 PM
Subject: CHIV - Fw: humor
>Lighten Up for the Holidays
>
>
> I received this from a friend up here in the Mid-Realm and wanted to
>pass
>it on. It is rather lengthy but worth a definite read if you want a
>good laugh.
>
>Hugs and happiness!
>
>Moriel***
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>> BREEDING ASSOCIATES FOR FUN AND PROFIT Or
>> > YES, THERE CAN BE FINANCIAL GAIN IN THE
>PEERAGE
>> > Proudly written by Rebecca of Twywn
>> >
>> > CAVEAT
>> > Before going into associate breeding as a money
>> making venture, you should first decide whether or
>> not this is the activity for you. There are many
>> other ways a peer of the realm can gain financial
>> security without substantial investment funds.
>> However, none of the other ventures are quite
>> as emotionally satisfying as associate raising.
>> Other handbooks are available for these activities,
>> among them Browbeating Kingdom Officers for
>> a Permanent Stipend, Siphoning Funds from
>> Kingdom Fund Raisers, and Retire NOW! A Guide
>> to Cashing In Meridian War Bonds for Big Bucks
>>
>> CHOOSING YOUR BREEDING STOCK
>>
>> You will want to go slowly when choosing your
>> breeding stock, for the associates you choose to
>> breed today will determine your financial security
>> for years to come. You may wish to consult with
>> other members of the peerage as to the associate
>> qualities which are most desirable for their orders
>> as well, as it may be necessary to cross breed for
>> some traits. For example, although squire stock
>> should be chosen primarily for physical stamina
>> and strength, a good squire must also have a
>> certain native slyness and cunning usually found
>> in protege stock. In fact, since both squires and
>> proteges are usually completely void in creativity,
>> this may be your most successful venture. We do
>> not recommend cross breeding squire stock with
>> apprentice stock unless you intend to produce stock
>> for that very rare occurrence - multiple peerage
>> stock. The multiple peerage stock is, however
>> profitable, also highly speculative, since each Order
>> of the Peerage tends to believe that their Order's
>> bloodlines are too fine to sully with cross breeding.
>> Your other concern with cross breeding is that,
>> contrary to the Orders' beliefs, the cross breeding
>> may tend to be extremely incestuous and may
>> produce hybrids of spectacular ability or more
>> likely, candidates for the Trimarian Peer of the
>> Year. Because of this, we have compiled the list
>> of attributes and qualities to look for in associate
>> stock below as a quick reference for beginners.
>> >
>> > APPRENTICES
>> >1. Love of Aesthetics - Is their food arranged in a
>> pleasing manner on the plate? Does all their
>> cutlery match? Does their tablecloth co-ordinate
>> with their napkins? Do the colors of their candles
>> produce an eye-pleasing contrast to the rest of their
>> table setting?
>>
>> >2. Costuming and clothing - Do they have
>> accessories for every outfit they own including
>> having appropriate shoes and pouches? Do all their
>> costumes have French seams and is every garment
>> hand hemmed even on the sleeve hems?
>>
>> >3. Research - Can they tell you the source of every
>> item they produce right down to the street corner
>> in Brugge that this technique was practiced? Can
>> they cite you six sources for that technique
>> including at least one reference expounding a
>> contradictory theory? Can they tell you the name
>> of the medieval Guild in charge of this technique
>> and when it was founded? Can they tell you the
>> patron saint of that Guild?
>>
>> >4. Politics - Do they disdain practicing politics
>> with a weighty sigh saying that they only want to
>> create art and then sidle up to the nearest
>> Pelican for help in changing the Kingdom?
>>
>> >5. Lack of every day common sense - Do they
>> always have fifteen colors of thread to mend with
>> but never carry a band- aid? Do they always come
>> >looking pathetically for a slide projector to show
>> their twelve hundred slides from the Corning
>> Museum Roman Glass exhibition?
>>
>> >6. Unwillingness to loan source material - When
>> you ask a question about an artistic endeavor does
>> their answer always start with "I have this book
>> you need to get which is the seminal source for that
>> technique"?
>>
>> >7. Visibility - Have you ever seen them at an
>> event? Have you ever heard a rumor that they
>> might possibly be at an event? Have you heard a
>> rumor that they held a workshop at their house?
>> Have you ever heard a rumor that they went to a
>> workshop at someone else's house?
>>
>> >8. Other traits - Do they possess preferred
>> customer cards at 12,978 fabric stores within the
>> Kingdom but never carry them because, "They
>> all know me"? Do they have at least three sources
>> for 5th century Norse buttons? Does it take six
>> months to get a letter from them because they
>> weren't satisfied with the calligraphy but they
>> finally mailed it anyway because it needed to be
>> done in a hurry? Did that letter arrive on hand
>> made Egyptian papyrus and in 7th century
>> pictographs so that it was totally useless but it was
>> so pretty you framed it?
>> >
>> > PROTEGES
>> >1. Preparedness - Do they ALWAYS have blank
>> paper and three different styles of pens from which
>> to choose? Do they always have an assortment of
>> >headache remedies including aspirin, Advil,
>> Tylenol and Morphine? Do they have Maalox as
>> well as Elavil,Qualudes, and Valium? Do they
>> carry the assortment of Band-Aids which includes
>> butterfly bandages and Sesame Street
>> >characters for the squires and little children? Do
>> they always have both red and white wine for the
>> Feast? Does their briefcase contain a full
>> >stapler, tape, and Post It Notes with "Memo From
>> Hell" at the top? Can they always produce the
>> latest version of Corpora, Kingdom Law, and
>> "Popular Chivalry" on their lap top computer and
>> whip out their portable printer so you can have a
>> copy?
>>
>> >2. Contacts - Can they tell you the work phone
>> number of not only the Crown and the Kingdom
>> Officers but every Pelican in the Kingdom? Do
>> they have friends who talk to them among the
>> other two associate groups enabling them to know
>> every thing about what every one is doing within
>> minutes? Do they use an alternate long distance
>> service and still have $500.00 phone bills every
>> month? Can they tell you the decisions of the
>> BOD before the Minutes are published? Do they
>> have signed amendments to Kingdom Law before
>> they're proclaimed in Court?
>>
>> >3. Visibility - Is their name frequently in "Popular
>> Chivalry"? Does the Crown mention them often?
>> Are they always in the middle of a controversial
>> >situation? Is their name spoken in reverential
>> and hushed whispers in Grey Niche? Have they
>> visited Bryn Madoc or South Downs? Are there
>> thousands of papers around the Kingdom bearing
>> their signature? Do members of the Populace
>> swear they were at three different events in two
>> Kingdoms on the same weekend?
>> >4. Stubbornness - Are they always refusing to
>> see logic with statements like "Call me and old fart,
>> but...", "I don't care what His Grace said, I think
>> ...", "But the law says", and "I know it's not logical,
>> but it's what I feel..."
>>
>> >5. Long Negative Memories - Is their
>> conversation peppered with "We tried that once,
>> and it didn't work", "Trimaris did that and it was a
>> >disaster", "Yes, but she came from An Tir in AS 4
>> and you know how they are.", "During Bearkiller's
>> second reign we did that and hated it", and "A
>> >Laurel thought of this? Oh, how funny!"
>>
>> >6. Slickness - Do they always con someone else
>> into doing it and then explain that delegation is the
>> secret to successful management? Can they
>> >always come out of a controversy they created with
>> an award for service to the Kingdom or the Crown?
>> Can they disappear gracefully from the feast
>> >table, returning hours later to a full plate and a
>> faithful minion to wash their dishes so they won't
>> have to? Is their goblet always full even if
>> >they haven't moved in hours? No matter where
>> they sit do they always have samples of what the
>> head table has for dessert? Does some one bring
>> them coffee in bed before breakfast is served? Does
>> their office function mysteriously while they get
>> drunk and vanish with squires into the woods for
>> >days?
>> >
>> > SQUIRES
>> >1. Preparedness - Did they join the SCA last
>> week and already have three armor bags full of 27
>> rolls of duct tape, 14 sticks of 1 and 1/2
>> inch rattan, three helmets, seven shields, leather
>> thongs, hockey gloves, knee pads and other
>> assorted gear, but no athletic cup? On Saturday
>> before the List, do they already have a Hot Date for
>> the Revel?
>> >2. Memory - Can they find their fighter
>> authorization card? Do they know what event they
>> are at? Can they remember the fighter who broke
>> their finger two fights ago? Can they recognize
>> their device so they can get back to their camp
>> when they leave the field? Do they know what
>> Barony they're fighting for in a war? Can they
>> remember one knight's name?
>> >3. Physical strength - Can they carry all of a
>> Pelican's gear for a weekend with passing out?
>> Can they carry all of the Kingdom Seneschal's files
>> without their back breaking? Can they spend five
>> minutes in court without twitching
>> uncontrollably? (Note: If they can spend longer
>> than this , they are really a Bad Duke in disguise;
>> get rid of them or your breeding stock will be
>> tainted forever.)
>>
>> >4. Rhythm - Do they have natural rhythm?
>>
>> >5. Big Plans - Have they already planned not
>> only their own Spectacular Cecil B. DeMille
>> coronation, designed not only their county and
>> duchy coronets and have already commissioned
>> someone to write the ceremony for them so they can
>> learn their lines?
>>
>> >6. Have they gone to EVERY war in not only
>> this kingdom, but every neighboring one?
>>
>> >7. Have they ever gone to a Collegium other
>> than Fighter's Collegium. NOTE: If so, you may
>> wish to take note - you may have either potentially
>> >bad stock or a potential laurel. BE CAREFUL
>> here.
>>
>> >8. Slyness and Sneakiness - Are they well
>> dressed but never touch a washing machine, sewing
>> machine, or have a lady of their own? If so, they
>> >have developed those most desirable of all traits -
>> sneakiness and slyness. They have been so pitiful
>> ladies are sewing for them. Once a squire has
>> >obtained this trait, he is a shoo in for knighthood
>> as he will never get caught not calling a blow again,
>> unless it suits his purpose! BE CAREFUL of
>> >this associate.
>>
>> >9. Does their cooler contain 14 flavors of
>> Gatorade, 16 kinds of beer, and 3 varieties of hard
>> liquor, but no food? Warning: if you find a member
>> of this species who has after dinner liquors you may
>> want to cross breed for double peerage or check
>> other Laurel qualities.
>> >
>> Now that you have picked your stock, let Nature
>> take it's own course. Quit worrying, watch the fun
>> and get ready to enjoy financial security in the
>> years to come.
>> >
>> >Author's note: This pamphlet was written in the
>> spirit of having fun. If you didn't like; don't take it
>> or yourself too serious. Disseminate it across the
>> Known World, just don't take the credit or the
>> blame.
>
>
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