ANST - Funny Stuff Sent To Alina (Don't Read, If Easily Offended)

Alice Harris lg_photo at
Fri Mar 6 22:10:14 PST 1998

Greeting From Alina: 
Something I got from a sister of mine. Don't read, if you're easily offended.  

          FW: Emergency Room (funny stuff)
          Fri, 06 Mar 98 08:34:00 CST
          "Laura M. Stone" <LSTONE01 at>

> >Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that
> fact is stranger than fiction.
> >
> >- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
> > suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a
> >fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest
> >he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an
> >attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
> >

> >- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a
> >drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he
> >could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it
> >was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house
> >and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a
> >choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the
> >corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the
> man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the 
>urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee
> >while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a
> >commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
> >
> >
> >- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
> >parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
> >Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta!
> >Puta!".  At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
> >had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have been saying was
> >"Puja!" (Push!).  Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
> >
> >- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with
> >cocaine induced  seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to
> >insert a catheter (a tube passed  through the urethra and into the
> >bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin
> >fold.
> > When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back
> >his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His
> >response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
> >
> >- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green
> >vines in my virginny"(Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she
> >did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
> >inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It
> >was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was,
> > indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out   
and that she
> >"put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
> >
> > - The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2
> >a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
> >
> > - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During
> the exam and  questioning the female denied being sexually active. The
> >doctor gave her a pregnancy  test anyway and it came back positive.
> >The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results
> >of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure  you're not
> >sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay   
there." Doctor: "I
> see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
> >
> >- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
> >rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful
> >resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor
> >went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't
> >make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the
> >ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
> >

> >- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said
> > that she and  her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off
> > and she wasn't able to retrieve  it with her fingers. I went to the
> >bathroom and gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up
> either."

Alina Mitchell
lg_photo at
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