ANST - Fw: [TY] WANTED DANGEROUS CRIMINAL JOKE

[Caley Woulfe]

Still more Christmas antics from your Eastern neighbor...

Caoillainn De Bhulbh, She-Wolf of Limerick
"If Normal is relative, it must be a very distant relative..."

-----Original Message-----
From: Jasper Murtagh <jasperrdm at hotmail.com>
To: TY at reashelm.ce.utk.edu <TY at reashelm.ce.utk.edu>
Date: Wednesday, December 01, 1999 11:15 AM
Subject: [TY] WANTED DANGEROUS CRIMINAL JOKE


>WANTED
>SANTA CLAUS
>ALIASES ST. NICK, SANTA, CHRIS KRINGLE, ST. NICHOLAS, JOLLY OLD ELF,
BEARDED
>FATMAN, SANTE KLASS, CHRISTMAS ELF
>
>
>DESCRIPTION
>WHITE MALE WITH WHITE HAIR AND FULL BEARD.  KNOWN TO WEAR GOLD RIM GLASSES
>AND SMOKE PIPE.
>HEIGHT 6 FT WEIGHT 350 + PDS
>LAST SEEN WEARING A RED SUIT WITH WHITE FUR TRIM ON WAIST AND CUFFS. RED
HAT
>WITH WHITE FUR TRIM. BLACK BOOTS.
>
>WANTED BY THE FBI, CIA, OSHA, EPA, FAA, IRS, HUMANE SOCIETY, and VARIOUS
>FEDERAL, STATE & LOCAL AGENCIES.
>
>MODUS OPERANDI Breaks and enters a home leaves gifts or coal under people's
>tree and in stockings. Escapes by red sleigh operated by eight or nine
>flying reindeer.
>
>WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CRIMES:
>Breaking and Entering.
>Trespass.
>Thief (all that cookies and milk)
>Speeding.
>Malicious Mischief (the coal).
>Not wearing seat belt.
>Operating a vehicle without a license.
>Operating a vehicle without safety lights.
>Operating an unsafe vehicle (no airbags or roll bar).
>Operating an unregistered vehicle (no tag).
>Running stop signs and lights.
>Breaking curfew laws.
>Creating a nuisance (all that clob clob clobing on the roof).
>Failure to yield right of way.
>Flying without a license.
>Flying experimental aircraft without FAA approval.
>Failure to file a flight plan.
>Invading restricted air space.
>Spying (just how does he know who's naughty).
>Peeking Tom (just how does he know who's naughty).
>Invasion of Privacy.  (Just how does he know who's naughty).
>Slander and libel (the list of the naughty).
>Smoking in Public places.
>Using endangered species in commission of a crime.
>Cruelty to animals (just how does he get them to fly).
>Cruelty to animals (just how does he get the nose to glow).
>Operating a charity without a permit.
>Failure to declare income.
>Failure to file income tax.
>Failure to pay income tax. (Just where does he get the money for those
>gifts)?
>Income tax evasion.
>Falsifying address (Yeah the North Pole)
>Operating without a business license. (Where is this toyshop?).
>Failure to comply with the Fair Labor Laws (only short elves hummm!)
>Running a sweatshop. (The elves).
>Illegal disposal of reindeer waste. (Oh no not my windows).
>Illegal experimentation on animals (Again how does he get those reindeer to
>fly.)
>Failure to pay Custom tax.
>Illegal entry into the United States.
>Illegal exit from the United States.
>Posing a hazard to air navigation.
>Working illegally in the USA.
>No Green Card.
>No Visa (perhaps maybe a master card.)
>Unsafe air transport vehicle (no running lights.)
>Failure to file OSHA reports.
>Failure to comply with OSHA regulations. (No hard hats in elves workshop).
>Illegal dumping of hazardous waste. (The constant dry-cleaning of his
suit).
>Failure to maintain a healthy weight. (CDC couch potato regs).
>Failure to pay Social Security (for the elves.)
>Illegal possession of radar jamming equipment. (How does he avoid these
>speed traps)?
>Illegal possession of sleath technology. (Why doesn't he show up on radar).
>Espionage (the stealth materials).
>Various failures of IRS tax code for individual S Corporation and other
>companies. (No W-2 to elves, No exemption paper work etc.)
>Transportation of weapons across State lines during commission of crime.
>(All the rifles and guns under the tree. ATF)
>Bribery of public officials. (Congressmen still getting presents).
>Illegal possession of firearms. (All the rifle and guns under the tree.
ATF)
>Transportation of alcohol beverages across State, National, Local lines.
>(All the booze. ATF various State and local agencies)
>Failure to pay taxes on alcoholic beverages. (Christmas Spirit ??)
>Operating an illegal still. (All that ho ho hoing and the red nose?)
>Postal Fraud (right the North Pole and not giving the gifts ask for).
>Failure to comply with the Clean Air laws of State of California (reindeer
>farts).
>Breaking copyrights and patent laws. (Making all that stuff without paying
>royalties).
>{Note Microsoft has class action against said individual for being an
>unlicensed marketer.}
>Willful destruction of forest (public and private). (All those Christmas
>trees.)
>Distillation and distribution of spirits. (ATF Just what is this Christmas
>Spirit).
>Operating a Closed shop. (Only elves???)
>Failure to pay Union dues. (The Teamsters).
>Failure to meet health codes. (All that food and Candy. Tofu Lobby).
>Failure to meet health codes. (No temperature control in sleigh for food).
>Endangerment of children (All the candy Tofu Lobby).
>Endangerment of children (All those unsafe toys. Ex beach balls BB guns).
>Endangerment of children (Second hand smoke. CDC and others).
>Inflicting Gender Bias on children. (Barbie dolls and Easy bake ovens.
NOW).
>Illegal Transportation of plants into the United States. (The Christmas
>trees, plants and wreaths).
>Illegal Transportation of Drugs. ( Snow = cocaine. DEA.)
>Wearing Fur and leather. (Green Peace. Just what type of fur is that lining
>his clothes.)
>Food Code Violations (Sawdust in the cookies).
>CIA Investigations (Something about Stealth Technology).
>Failure to Supply Health Insurance. (The elves: injuries on the job. Lefty
>the elf. Falling out of the sleigh while in flight, that explains where all
>the little people come from.)
>Inciting kids/adults to violate separation of church and state. (Singing
>Christmas carols in schools and school projects).
>Contempt of a Senate and Congress Investigation (Secret Hearing concerning
>all the above).
>Failure to obey presidential order.
>
>If you have other crimes to add please contact
>Roger Martin aka Jasper Murtagh at jasperrdm at hotmail.com

============================================================================
Go to http://lists.ansteorra.org/lists.html to perform mailing list tasks.