ANST - Re: finding the dream

[gunnora at realtime.net]

<ldygryffyn at hotmail.com> said:
>The Society is composed of human beings and part of it is we 
>all bring our own agendas into what we contribute. 
>Unfortunately some refuse to leave political games where they 
>belong which in my opinion is outside the Society. 

You are certainly welcome to your opinion, but you seriously misunderstand what
"politics" is.  So many people misuse "politics" to describe back-stabbing,
unfair treatment, passive aggressive bullsh*t, and so forth!

What politics *actually* is is the art and science of people working together.
 Anytime you have more than one person in a group, you will have, and need politics.
 This includes the skills of negotiation and compromise, and all the tools which
people use in order to get things done, achieve concensus, and to make relationships
between people run smoother and easier.

>I seriously doubt that anyone who has played in the SCA for 
>any time has not been caught up in others, frequently hurtful, 
>games. 

It happens.  But this isn't politics.  

I have to say, though, that most people actively facilitate having others sh*t
all over them in this way.  If you don't proactively seek out the people causing
the problem and talk to them about it, you are not just being a big victim,
you are actively adding to the problem.  I'm not saying that you didn't handle
your situation correctly -- you may have, you may not have -- so read the following
as a primer of how to handle this type of situation provided for others.

If you see this type of bad situation happening, the correct thing to do is
NOT to sit in the corner whining about how mistreated you are.  Instead, you
should go *directly* to the person who is supposedly talking bad about you and
tell them:

"I have been told that you have been saying X, Y, and Z.  I want to hear from
you what you actually said before I make up my mind what to think."

I am always AMAZED at how many people will just take Joe Blow's word for it
that Lady Jane Doe has said awful things about you!  How do you know that Joe
isn't making it up, or stirring things up for his own reasons?  Or perhaps Lady
Jane said something a little different than was reported to you, and no intention
to be cruel?  Unless you take the adult initiative to speak DIRECTLY to the
person who is supposedly being mean to you, YOU are at fault.

So, what if Lady Jane Doe up and says, "Yes, I said that you are a pin-headed
weevil and you smell like a week old polecat left in the sun!"  Well, then she's
an idiot, is what.  Ignore her and let everyone know that her stupid little
games are beneath your notice.  Go on and HAVE FUN, enjoy the SCA.  No reason
to give up a fun activity because it has a few morons in it.  But people like
this are extremely rare!

>My lord and I ceased playing for the better part of 3 years in 
>the shire where we previously lived due to such games and 
>agendas by certain persons.

Other people's agendas can't cause you to quit playing, only you can cause you
to quit playing.  They acted badly, so you go off singing, "No body likes me,
everybody hates me, I'm going to eat some worms."  There are thousands of people
in the SCA, hundreds in the kingdom -- you can always find more congenial people
with whom to socialize, so no one ever has to give up the SCA because of ugly-acting
people.

Did you talk to the people face-to-face and ASK them their side of the story?
 Or did you allow a "he said/she said" to develop listening only to gossip?
If you spoke to the people, did you tell them that what they did had upset or
hurt you? Did you tell them what, exactly, you wanted them to do instead?

Even people who have been acting badly will usually backpedal and deny when
you confroint them about it.  But don't discount the chance that it's all a
big misunderstanding and that *no one* needs to go around with their feelings
hurt, because no one did anything bad.

If the people deny and backpedal, make it clear that if you hear further reports
of the bad behavior you will come right back to them and confront them again.
 It's important that you act in a business-like, adult manner when you do this
-- no one takes a screaming, tizzy-throwing histronic seriously.  But an adult,
businesslike presentation is hard to ignore or discount.  And I don't mean threats!
 The conversation should be something like this:

YOU: Hello, Lady Jane.  I need to discuss something with you, please.  I was
told that you had been calling me names and really running me down to a bunch
of people.  Before I jump to any conclusions, I wanted to hear from you what
you actually said.

LADY JANE:  Er, ah, um... that is, er, I never said any of that!  Who told you
that!

YOU:  I'm so glad to hear that!  I knew that you are too adult and considerate
to have ever done such a thing, and that's why I came directly to you.  I'm
sorry that there has been a misunderstanding.  I hope that this clears things
up.  However, if I hear anyone else saying that you have been saying bad things
about me, I will come right to you and let you know, and we can discuss it further.


This serves adequate notice that you intend to call them on their behavior whenever
it happens.

If the problem continues, talk to the person.  Tell them that their behavior
is hurtful and ask them to stop.  Sometimes people will act badly, but not realize
that it's hurting anybody -- and when it's made clear to them they will usually
stop and apologize.  Give them the chance to do so!

YOU:  Lady Jane, I'm sorry to have to have this discussion with you again, but
several people have told me what you said at the shire meeting last week, after
our previous discussion, and its clear that you have been saying mean things
about me.  I want you to know that it really upset me and hurt my feelings that
you did such a thing.  If you have a problem with me, you need to come to me
and discuss it with me to my face.  Going to the meeting and calling me names
not only doesn't help in working things out between us, it makes you look bad.
 If you are unwilling to sit down and discuss this with me and honestly attempt
to work things out, then I want you to please stop talking badly about me. 
It's not necessary that we be friends.  It is necessary to maintain a positive,
cooperative working relationship so that we can both work with the shire.  I
do require that you act like a professional, reasonable adult when dealing with
me or talking about me, as I will do when dealing with you or talking about
you.

If everybody directly addressed these problems with the actual people involved,
the SCA would be a much nicer place.  However, as Mistress Ariella once said,
the SCA seems to be a group therapy session for the chronically passive aggressive.
 Most people would rather talk to everyone else EXCEPT the problem person about
the problem, I guess in hopes that someone else will make that person straighten
up and fly right.  And in this case, BOTH people are wrong, the first person
for acting badly, but the second person is MUCH more at fault for exacerbating
the problem by basically gossipping about it all over the place and not trying
in any meaningful way to solve the problem.

::GUNNORA::

Evangelizing for businesslike confrontation and proactive problemsolving in
the SCA!
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