[Ansteorra] Re: Ansteorra digest, Vol 1 #479 - 12 msgs

[CTernus]

Some people who offer to help become ungracious when their offer is refused,
even if politely.  Just as no one should expect others to drop what they're
doing and help, no one should expect that their offer of help be accepted if
it is unwanted.  I am almost always grateful to have help, but when I don't
want or need it (the item is fragile or leaking; I'm doing a couple of
things at the same time; I'm cranky and need as little contact with humanity
as possible), I try to thank and refuse politely.  Occasionally, the offer
of help, or the offer of an escort - which I generally do not wish- can turn
into a battle of wills.  This is no longer an offer of help.  It's a need to
control, to look good in front of an audience, who knows.  The possibilities
abound; contact your local therapist.

I think it comes down to consideration and courtesy.  These interactions
should always be polite.  Politely ask, politely accept or refuse, politely
help or go away.  Another consideration is that when someone offers to help,
the helpee should not try to turn the helper into a pack mule.  Carrying an
ice chest across a field can turn into servitude, which discourages the
attempt to help at all.

Unfortunately it is much easier to remember the times when people have been
ungracious, rather than grateful or helpful.  Sometimes these people are
having cruddy days, too.  Remember the grateful people, and keep on going.

Radegund

----- Original Message -----
From: <ansteorra-request at ansteorra.org>
To: <ansteorra at ansteorra.org>
Sent: Wednesday, April 24, 2002 4:32 PM
Subject: Ansteorra digest, Vol 1 #479 - 12 msgs

> Message: 9
> From: "C. L. Ward" <gunnora at vikinganswerlady.org>
> To: <ansteorra at ansteorra.org>
> Subject: RE: [Ansteorra] History/Enculturation/Cliquishness....
> Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2002 16:15:44 -0500
> Reply-To: ansteorra at ansteorra.org
>
> The offer should be made.  If the lady (or gent) truly doesn't want/need
the
> help, they should *graciously* refuse (i.e., "Why, thank you my lord, but
I
> think I'm OK.  I appreciate the offer, though.")  And if refused, the
person
> offering to help should graciously accept the refusal.
>
> In a parallel case, when called into court, I go by my own self.  The only
> appropriate persons to escort Gunnora into court would be her father
> (deceased) or her grown son (off travelling somewhere far abroad).  If a
> helpful gentleman offers to escort me up, I attempt to graciously refuse.
> If they insist, I reiterate that, no, I really am fine on my own.  I only
> once had a man insist in the face of several demurrals that he *was* going
> to escort me, so I sotto voce told him that if he persisted I would stomp
> his foot.  He did, and I did. But he was literally twisting my arm!
>
> In terms of help with carrying, if what I have is not taxing my abilities,
I
> will usually try to politely refuse the help.  But, be it Murphy's Law or
> other Force of Nature, inevitably when someone offers to carry something
for
> me, it's something that's truly not a bad burden... and when I'm
struggling
> to haul the full icechest, there is no one anywhere in sight that I could
> even dragoon to assist, of course ;-)
>
> I won't let someone haul my armor bag for me in general, at all.  I figure
> if I'm big enough to get out there and swing a stick, I should be big
enough
> to get my equipment to or from the list field my own self, and I know a
lot
> of lady fighters feel the same.
>
> My thoughts on this whole thread boils down to:
>
> (1) People who desperately need help should learn to ask for help and not
wait like Rapunzel in the tower for someone to save them.
>
> (2) If anyone, man or woman, sees someone struggling and can help them, we
should all try to do so just out of courtesy and community.
>
> (3) If someone offers unneeded/unwanted assistance, it should *always* be
refused politely and graciously.  There is no need for gratuitous rudeness
or political oratory in response to such an offer.
>
> (4) If someone refuses an offer of assistance, treat them as an adult and
do as they wish - don't force your help upon them.
>
> ::GUNNORA::
>
> (Who purchased a little red wagon for Damaris as a Yule present to make
some
> of the hauling, e.g. of beer kegs, easier!)