[Ansteorra] History/Enculturation/Cliquishness....

C. L. Ward gunnora at vikinganswerlady.org
Wed Apr 24 14:15:44 PDT 2002


Pendaran said:
> Sorry, but I've got to step in here. I don't know how many times I've
> offered to help a lady carry something only to be rebuffed. I've had
> actually had women get offended that I offered to help, telling me that
> they were *quite* capable of carrying something without a man's
> assistance. Which is it? Should we offer or not? How can we tell that
> you want help or don't? Body language doesn't do it, by the way - men,
> in general, aren't good at interpreting it.

The offer should be made.  If the lady (or gent) truly doesn't want/need the
help, they should *graciously* refuse (i.e., "Why, thank you my lord, but I
think I'm OK.  I appreciate the offer, though.")  And if refused, the person
offering to help should graciously accept the refusal.

In a parallel case, when called into court, I go by my own self.  The only
appropriate persons to escort Gunnora into court would be her father
(deceased) or her grown son (off travelling somewhere far abroad).  If a
helpful gentleman offers to escort me up, I attempt to graciously refuse.
If they insist, I reiterate that, no, I really am fine on my own.  I only
once had a man insist in the face of several demurrals that he *was* going
to escort me, so I sotto voce told him that if he persisted I would stomp
his foot.  He did, and I did. But he was literally twisting my arm!

In terms of help with carrying, if what I have is not taxing my abilities, I
will usually try to politely refuse the help.  But, be it Murphy's Law or
other Force of Nature, inevitably when someone offers to carry something for
me, it's something that's truly not a bad burden... and when I'm struggling
to haul the full icechest, there is no one anywhere in sight that I could
even dragoon to assist, of course ;-)

I won't let someone haul my armor bag for me in general, at all.  I figure
if I'm big enough to get out there and swing a stick, I should be big enough
to get my equipment to or from the list field my own self, and I know a lot
of lady fighters feel the same.

My thoughts on this whole thread boils down to:

(1) People who desperately need help should learn to ask for help and not
wait like Rapunzel in the tower for someone to save them.

(2) If anyone, man or woman, sees someone struggling and can help them, we
should all try to do so just out of courtesy and community.

(3) If someone offers unneeded/unwanted assistance, it should *always* be
refused politely and graciously.  There is no need for gratuitous rudeness
or political oratory in response to such an offer.

(4) If someone refuses an offer of assistance, treat them as an adult and do
as they wish - don't force your help upon them.

::GUNNORA::

(Who purchased a little red wagon for Damaris as a Yule present to make some
of the hauling, e.g. of beer kegs, easier!)




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