[Ansteorra] Regarding the untimely death of the Baron Frath (Long)

[Pat Mullins]

I confess. 
    I, Friar Donald, caused the death of Baron Frath. In fact, I am not Friar Donald at all. Donald's bones lie in an unmarked grave by the roadside. I killed him (may his soul repose in peace) to assume his identity and join the Baron's traveling party. In truth, I am called Andrew. I am the identical twin of Sir Holden Horses, Baron Frath's acknowledged (albeit illegitimate) son and heir. Holden and I were separated at birth, and while Holden grew up with the baron's money to finance his adventures and the baron's power to cover up his indiscretions, I was left as an orphan, to be raised at the local monastery. When I came of age, I left the monastery to become an actor (and a damn good one, so I'm told). Before I left the monastery I came across a birth record which indicated my paternity. When I approached the Baron to claim my rightful place in his house, dear old Dad refused to acknowledge me because my chosen profession wasn't noble enough.
     As the only (supposed) cleric traveling with Frath's party, I soon became the confessor to all in our company. As such I was privy to everyone's dirty little secrets. While I never (til now) broke the seal of the confessional, I was not above using the information for my own ends.  

    Mal deMess, captain of the baronial guard, was making counterfeit wine and selling it under the baron's prestigious label. He didn't want to kill the baron, just to destroy the last cask of wine, not knowing if it was his vintage or the baron's, and not wanting to find out.
    Lady Cossette, the baron's wife, hated her husband and wanted him dead. He had ruined her vineyards and killed her family. Cossette married the baron only to escape the life of poverty he had forced on her.
    Mona, the baron's daughter, wanted out from under her father's thumb, and out of the chastity belt the baron had forced on her. Upton just wanted Mona, and the inheritance he thought she would receive (not knowing there was a will naming Sir Holden as the heir). They tried more than once to kill the baron.
    Sir Holden wanted to keep riding the gravy train. He needed the baron's power and prestige at least as much as he needed the baron's money. He needed the baron alive.
    The young lass who traveled with us (her name escapes me, she was of little consequence) sought to kill Sir Holden, who had killed her parents in a wanton act of violence, one of the youthful indiscretions the baron had covered up. 

    Upton tried to kill Baron Frath, and the rest of us, by leading us into an ambush along the road. This plan was foiled when we all became ill from drinking Mal's wine. We were forced to move on, seeking medical assistance, thus escaping the trap (God be praised). Upton and Mona found another opportunity when they thought they saw the baron walking the castle yard. They grabbed him and threw him over the castle wall to be butchered by the Saracens. Alas for them, the man they threw over the wall was in fact the head cook, wearing Frath's cloak for warmth as he strolled the grounds. Upton and Mona were guilty of murder, but not Baron Frath's murder.
    When we arrived at the castle, Sir Holden's nemesis tried to kill him in the stable. When she attacked, Holden snapped. Flashing back to the Crusader battles he had fought, Holden lashed out at the first Arab he could find, an innocent camel. Fleeing the carnage, the young lass fled to the servants' quarters, where she hit her head on a low beam and fell unconscious. While he had murdered before, on this trip Holden was guilty only of camelcide.     
    After a subtle suggestion from me, Lady Cossette tried to kill her husband by poisoning his last cask of wine. Cossette knew little of poisons, and if Frath had lived to drink the wine, he would likely have gotten only a belly ache. Lady Cossette tried, but failed, to kill Baron Frath.
    Subtlety would never have worked on an idiot like Mal deMess, so I tried a more direct approach. As he slept, I whispered my instructions in his ear. I told him the evidence of his fraud would be destroyed if the last cask of wine were smashed. I told him to sabotage the wine cellar shelves, then put the wine on the top shelf. When the baron went to retrieve his prized cask of wine, the shelves would collapse, the cask of wine would be smashed, and Mal would be in the clear.
    When Mal had done his work on my behalf, I went behind him and made a few changes. I braced the back of the shelves so when they collapsed, the shelves would fall forward rather than downward. My plan worked to perfection. When Frath and his servant went to retrieve the wine, the shelves collapsed, and the cask of wine fell on the baron's head, squashing him like a bug.
    While I arranged for his death, and caused it to happen , my soul rests easy knowing I did not, in fact, kill Baron Frath. Oh, no! That task was accomplished by the baron's prized cask of wine. That's right! The Baron was trampled by the GRAPES OF FRATH!
  
       
---------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.  Try it now.