[Ansteorra] Cheap footwear.

[Casey Weed]

Hanse, here, and I see that it's time to shake some sense into the ether.
Thank God there's me for this.  This is going to be a little wordy but I
won't charge you sad people for my time.

Look, bad shoes can ruin your whole week, not just your weekend, and there
have been some grade A rotten shoe suggestions here.  I won't out you...
it's the holidays and your famillies have probably talked about you enough.

Ren faire gillie/mocca-SINS with grammaw's coin purse toe suck.  They let
water in better than a Trimaran crab trap, the soles are thin, the thongs
break, they're neither warm nor cold, and the only academic reference to the
design as it stands are in Harlequin Romance's Annual Wedding Magazine that
pixies foist on you at the Scarborough Grove of Plumpy Nuptual Bliss.  No
support in them and no room to improvise support.

Birkenstocks look like what they are: hippy sandals.  There are a few models
that approximate a period shoe: the Athenian and the one that looks a bit
16th century that one of our expatriate plump deutche ritters was famous for
wearing.  They're not cheap.  If you get em wet, they fall apart pretty
quick.  They have "Birkenstock" on the buckle which is great if that's your
name.  My name is Lord Hanse "Gift of Knowledge" Kleermaker, Rescinded Baron
of Ravensfort... needless to say they don't have my model.  Get em if you
need to look like a Brueghel painting, want to spend $120, and don't intend
to get em wet.  You may wind up smelling like patchouli and hemp because
they signal the hippy crowd that you're "420 friendly".

Bohemonds shoes don't make the grade.  They have a nice modern tough sole
but the uppers are so flimsy that the laces tear out too early to enjoy
them.  They only look like Mary Rose shoes if you're the kid who doesn't
understand the "one of these things is not like the others" game on Sesame
Street.  Buy a pair, throw away the uppers, and make a shoe from the sole.
I complained to him about mine... he told me "tough noogies... you have
weird feet."  Perhaps he doesn't get my charm.

JP suggested some high faluty shoe (oops, outed).  I see three designs on
that page that I could safely say pass for authentic- and several that would
fit in on either a Star Trek alien or a wizard from Deathstalker II, so
beware.  Also, they run up to about $400.  They look well-built and if you
can afford them please give me the cash and I'll get you a pair just like em
for less and pocket the change.  Don't talk about JP; Owen hits him in the
head and then he makes Bad Choices.

Or... you can spend $80 and get these:

http://www.revivalclothing.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=9

Period buckles, sturdy leather, they look right for about the middle 200
years of what we do, and they're roomy enough for an insert or even the guts
of a Nike athletic shoe.  They can take an over sole.  They can be resoled.

Yes, these cost 20 bucks more than some of the "bargain" shoes mentioned.
That's four Happy Meals.  Two hours work at minimum wage.  That's one fourth
of a Brazillian waxing.  Hold back on one hour of pleasure with a Bjornsborg
tavern "customer service professional" and you have saved all you need- only
a half hour if she's Italian.

But the real moral of this is: THERE IS NO SUCH BEAST AS A BARGAIN SHOE.
It's not worth the grief to risk it and it's too cheap to even consider it.
If you are unswayed imagine cold, wet, feet.  Imagine blisters.  Imagine
broken laces and flippy floppy soles.  Imagine the secret sniggering of Sir
Alexis and Sir Gaston as they judge you by your inauthenticity with all
those other judgey knows-what's-period laurel types.  Imagine your grade
school football coach laughing at you as you try to limp out that last lap,
with cold, throbbing toes.  If you can't figure out how to get the extra 20
clams come talk to me; we'll play cards with what you do have and I'll go
buy a pair for me.

As always, glad to help.

Hanse