[Ansteorra] Update on Calontir's Cardboard Boat

Stefan li Rous stefanlirous at austin.rr.com
Wed Jul 25 19:18:57 PDT 2012


(If you haven't watched the awesome _Phineas and Ferb_,
you won't get the running gags.  Sorry.)

> But I don't believe this conversation is helping anyone.

[jaunty jingle]   o/~  Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated  o/~

[fx: crashing sound of a pelican crashing through the wall]
[fx: dramatic secret-agenty chords]
[fx: plank cage snapping shut]
[All dialog is Doofenshmirtz except as indicated]

Well, Pug the Pelican!  How feudal!  And by "feudal", I mean "futile".
I mean really, who comes up with these things?  Who can keep them
straight?  I tried a mnemonic, but all I got was "'Feudal' means
baron, 'futile' means barren", and that's no help at all!

Anyhooo.  You're just in time to see my latest eeevil inator.
Behold!  The BODINATOR!

When I press this leettle button right here, it will fire a ray at
Milpitas to make them survey the populace on same-sex crowns.  The
lists will explode with dissention, chaos, and civil war, and in the
confusion I will swoop in and take over the Entire! Tri! Realm! AREA!

I'm ... I'm not sure of the final step, just how I'll take over.
But chaos?  Oh, yeah, baby!  I'm BRINGIN' it!  [Presses button.
ZAP into the distance.  Pause.]

[laptop on table:] You have mail.

[The laptop falls off the table in slow motion and explodes in
mid-air.  The network cable burns like a fuze to the router, which
explodes.  Its cable burns fast out of sight.]

Ha ha ha!  [singsong] It's happening!
[normal] Now I just have to plot my takeover.

[voiceover] Four days later.

[Pug, still in the cage, is re-reading _Game of Thrones_]

I got nothin'.  Aaaaand we're done.  [sighs.  Sad music.]

For once, you didn't thwart me.  My inator worked perfectly.
I just couldn't close the deal.

[He presses a button to open the trap] Here, Pug, let me save you the
trouble.  [He presses the Self Destruct button.  BOOM.  Scorched face,
hair, and lab coat]

Tomorrow, I'm taking a "me" day and I'll catch up on my stories.
Promise.  You don't have to come thwart me.  You've built up a lot of
overtime with this, so --

[Pug looks stricken] What, secret agents are exempt employees?
At least tell me they give you comp time.  [Pug looks down sadly]

Wow.  And they say I'M evil.

OK.  I'll leave the door unlocked.  Drop by whenever you want, we'll
blow up an old inator on the roof, five minutes and you make quota.
Are we good? ...  We're good.

[voiceover] The next day.

[Pug and Doofenshmirtz are sitting on a couch watching TV.  Between
them is a bucket of popcorn and a box of tissues.]

[Juan:] La razon porque te amo ... La razon porque te amo es ... es ...


Daniel Doofenshmirtz
-- 
Tim McDaniel, tmcd at panix.com



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