ARN - Are You A Fop?

Tue Jul 11 15:05:21 PDT 2000

Are You A Fop?

Are you STYLISH enough, are you CHARMING enough to be a Fop? Find out
now 
by taking this quick multiple-choice test!
1.) Your hair is:
a. You mean the stuff on my back?
b. "wash and go".
c. pampered worse than an in-bred lap dog.
d. Women plot my demise out of abject envy.
2.) When you first heard about this test, you:
a. started humming "I'm too sexy".
b. thought "Hey, I know the sharp end of a rapier and can match an
outfit."
c. composed a new suggestive sonnet to a passing maiden and added three

more feet of lace to your ensemble while blinding passers-by with the 
sparkle of your new gem worked rapier hilt.
d. turned up your nose at the King's new regalia.. God's teeth, those
seed 
pearls are SO fourteenth century.
3.) You are spending an evening with Ladies of distinction. How do you
pass 
the time?
a. Challenging the women to a wine chugging contest followed by
limericks.
b. poetry followed by a rousing game of "strip badminton".
c. stylish hors d'oeuvres, rare vintages, rarer wit.
d. character assassination of that foolish courtier who dared to let
his 
unworthy personage contact your new small cape hand-woven by blind,
virgin 
nuns from Madagascar.
4.) Someone calls you out. How do you react?
a. leave town.
b. knee him in the codpiece and kick him in the head until senseless.
c. kill him.
d. you mock him until he is a sodden wisp of a man, too ashamed at his 
effrontery to do more than mewl like a newborn.
5.) What is your hardest chore?
a. Finding a good rhyme for "Glasgow".
b. Fighting off droves of people who keep mistaking you for a
handkerchief.
c. Looking comfortable and at ease under twenty-odd layers of silks, 
velvets, satins, and lace with the noon-day sun bearing down.
d. Getting your blood to the proper point of freezing so you ARE 
comfortable and at ease under twenty-odd layers of silks, velvets,
satins, 
and lace with the noon-day sun bearing down--mustn't perspire even a 
drop.you _know_ how raw silk is.

6.) How do you like to bathe?
a. ARG!!! WATER! IT BURNS!. IT BURNS!
b. swimming in a handy lake or pond.
c. a good hot tub liberally treated with rose or violet water.
d. imported spring water heated in a copper kettle to three degrees
above 
body temperature, poured into an oaken tub sanded to petal-smoothness,
an 
assortment of the very best fragrances, and a winsome maiden to scrub
the 
hard-to-reach areas.
7.) What is your favorite hobby?
a. drinking.
b. reading books, playing an instrument.
c. court intrigue.
d. collecting things: courtesans from Venice, silks from
Constantinople, 
Ladies from England, fine art from Amsterdam, contessa's from Spain,
wine 
from Portugal, lace from France...
8.) You view a documentary on "Fashion in the early Renaissance". You:
a. go to the library or search the Web for more information on that
era.
b. daydream nostalgically about "the good old days".
c. immediately begin planning a new, stunning wardrobe to show those 
upstart puppies the real meaning of "Fashion".
d. mentally mark that you already have every outfit the narrator
mentions, but on you, they are works of art.
9.) How big is your wardrobe?
a. can you consider a couple shirts a wardrobe?
b. a small chest's worth
c. only 2 or 3 small closets
d. "I asked my valet to retrieve my sapphire tags a month ago, he
hasn't 
emerged since."

10.) You go slumming in a tavern and drink some ale. When do you think
you have drunk enough?
a. when my companion is out of money.
b. after the brawl, before the guard arrives.
c. after the fifth duel over which of the peasants is most revolting.
d. when you started the evening in Lisbon only to wake up in Calais.
11.) You are invited to the palace to attend a ball. How do you arrive?
a. on foot with an open bottle in your fist as the servants are setting
up 
so you can stake out the good booze.
b. upon a stallion with a flawless parade prance.
c. fashionably late in a carriage, escorting the chaste, eldest
daughter of 
the wealthiest family in the area, whom you have been tutoring in
etiquette.
d. regaling Her Majesty with a humorous anecdote from your latest trip
abroad.
12.) What is the best thing about women?
a. they kick less than sheep.
b. they smell good.
c. they are the finest work of creation, temperate, graceful, lovely.
d. they are the _ultimate_ fashion accessory.
13.) What would you bring to a duel?
a. all my friends, a case of swords, a breast plate and a priest.
b. my second, a sword, and a buckler.
c. my valet, my second, my weapons, and a surgeon for my opponent.
d. my rapier, my second, a case of champagne and my tailor.
14.) What is the finest fragrance?
a. sweat and yesterday's wine.
b. rose or violet water.
c. the scent of a woman's skin.
d. class.
15.) How important is style?
a. quite.
b. very.
c. and how important is air?
d. "Are you implying that I might lack style? Blasphemy! I demand
satisfaction!"

SCORING -- Total your answers, giving yourself 1 point for each "a",
2 points for each "b",
3 points for each "c",
and 4 points for each "d".
If your score is:
53 to 60 = People squint as they approach lest your beauty strikes them
blind!
47 to 52 = Louie XIV feels chummy with you.
41 to 46 = You could petition for a place with the Royal Guard.
23 to 40 = Maybe the army will have you, hard to bollix up a uniform
too much.
15 to 22 = Fop?! YOU?!! Go wrap yourself in a plaid and head for the
hills 
or board a long ship before they think the middens have risen in
revolt!

Nikolai Alexi Ilyich Tomaszewski h Boncza, Duelist (aka Himself)

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