WR - FW: chili - read all of this one, you'll love it.

AngusDuncan at att.net AngusDuncan at att.net
Fri Sep 8 21:41:29 PDT 2000

----------------------  Forwarded Message:  ---------------------
From:    "Klinger, Warren:" <WarrenK at tosco.com>
To:      "'AngusDuncan at att.net'" <AngusDuncan at att.net>, "'pakanugget at hotmail.com'" <pakanugget at hotmail.com>
Subject: FW: chili - read all of this one, you'll love it.
Date:    Fri, 8 Sep 2000 10:27:13 -0700 

> -----Original Message-----
> From:	Johnson, Timothy: 
> Sent:	Friday, September 08, 2000 9:45 AM
> To:	'MrDat07 at aol.com'; 'chum008 at yahoo.com'; 'BudaBird at aol.com'; Cortez,
> Jason:; Robertson, David:; Klinger, Warren:; Sullivan, Daniel:
> Subject:	chili - read all of this one, you'll love it.
> ah, sidesplitting comedy!  absolutely hilarious stuff!!!
> 	Recently Frank  was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
> celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else
> wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
> moment, and Frank happened to be standing there at the judge's table
> asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  Frank was assured
> by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> that spicy, and besides they told him he could have free beer during the
> tasting, so Frank accepted.
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
> Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra
> beers when they saw the look on my face.
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.  Needs more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I
> have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.  Barmaid
> pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
> I'm getting shit-faced.
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
> it.  Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
> 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
> eating.
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very  impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted
> and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
> offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
> saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
> pitcher.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> screaming.
> Fuck those rednecks!
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice
> and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
> peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge
> Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin,
> and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.  I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
> world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with
> chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth.  My pants are full of
> lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt.  At least during the autopsy
> they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
> painful.  Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
> just suck it in through the fucking 4 inch hole in my stomach.
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
> hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
> out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.  Not sure if he's
> going to make it.  Poor Yank.
> FRANK:  --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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