[Bordermarch] Viking Owners Manual

[Mark Masters]

This came to me by way of Principality of Oertha

>Humor - Viking Owners Manual
>
>  > Forwarded from an unknown source via unknown number of people...
>
>  > So Mischievous One, you now have your very own Viking.  Did you know
>that care and handling of a Viking is a serious
>undertaking?  Not to mention the large amounts of meat, beer and mead
>needed, you also have to be an expert on cleaning furs, on them and
>around them!
>
>  > Beards are comb-able, but usually have food stuck in them, not to
>mention the odd small bird nest.  Hair can be braided, and if the beard
>   is likewise long, a few braids can be done to minimize the number of
>small furry and feathery critters that move in.  This can be a good
>thing for you to try, but he may resist until you show him that the
>braids can be woven into spectacular knotwork patterns!
>
>  > Remove clothing before brushing the hair of your Viking.  Any
>resemblance to a bear is coincidental, and leave his
>father's heritage and mother's preferences out of the conversation.
>Vikings are touchy about their heritage.  Being descended from a bear
>is not a bad thing for Vikings.
>
>  > Now those furs that he is dressed in!  Were they tanned properly?  Do
>they have an interesting odor?  Are they still alive and kicking?
>Insure they are quite dead before attempting cleaning.  Remove all
>insect life and dirt using a brush and beat the hung skin with a carpet
>whacker to loosen the deeply set dust and dirt.  Oh, and you should
>remove the skins from you Viking before beating them.  If the skins
>need washing, remember to use a mild soap and lanolin for the fur along
>with
>   neatsfoot oil for the skin to prevent drying out.
>
>  > Another thing to consider with your Viking is to convince him to wear
>   cloth under those skins.  Cloth is easier to clean and it resists
>those pests that like to climb into your bed with you!  Never give your
>Viking knitted undergarments, socks or caps as they are a sign that
>your affection is wavering!  Unless of course you are sending a signal,
>then you may accompany this signal with a 2x4 of appropriate
>length.  Use the 2x4 with the trademark side away from your Viking's
>head to reduce the chance of breakage, and take a full swing to get
>your Viking's full attention.  Removal of the helm is optional, but
>recommended, as you may damage the helm.
>
>  > The cloth you use on your Viking should be a heavy cotton such as
>Trigger or tent canvas.  Anything less is a waste of time and money as
>Vikings are notoriously hard on cloth.  If you Viking is camping, keep
>a fire extinguisher ready, especially if your Viking smokes.  They
>never learn to pull a branch from the fire to light their tobacco and
>are always catching their beards on fire (another reason to braid that
>beard and hair).
>
>  > Making love with a Viking is a major event for a Lady, well worth the
>effort!  First, remove all weaponry from him.  A good compromise is to
>leave the axe beside the bed and the knives on the nightstand.  Never
>allow him to "Just keep one!", as it will invariably end up in your
>derriere at the most inopportune moment when he is not worried about
>why you are screaming!  Be firm here.  Speaking of firm, warm is
>good.  So when you strip him of all of those furs, they make dandy
>floor coverings in front of the fire place or on the bed to keep
>warm.  Never overlook an opportunity like that!  Oh, and you should try
>to keep you Viking from drinking too much before bed time.  This is
>probably going to be difficult, but I will leave the methods for this
>to your fertile and mischievous imagination!
>
>  > So have fun with your Viking, and remember to make sure he learns to
>swim, keeps his boat clean, and polishes his weapons carefully!
>
>=====
>
>"You may live, you may die. No man knows his fate. But act bravely and
>the Skalds will sing of your deeds forever"
>-- Unkown
>
>
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