[Bordermarch] Ants

[W G Wimberley]

Truly, Your Excellency, you dazzle us with your razor-sharp wit and inventiveness.
-Lady Meresankh

-----Original Message-----
>From: "Lathrop, Dave" <Dave.Lathrop at valero.com>
>Sent: Jun 25, 2008 12:51 PM
>To: Barony Bordermarch <bordermarch at lists.ansteorra.org>
>Subject: [Bordermarch] Ants
>
>Greetings Bordermarch
> 
>As I listened from my semi comatose state of awareness to the discussion
>at last nights officer's meeting, pertaining to the use of cinnamon for
>ant control, my mind wandered into that wonderful realm of creative
>thinking. 
>I finally regained some semblance of consciousness when someone mention
>sticking an Oreo cookie on top of the ant mound. The cookie was supposed
>to preoccupy the ants until
>our events were over and all the people had left site. the problem I see
>with this train of thought is the well know fact that ants can eat very
>fast and we would soon run out of cookies. We would have to have a new
>coordinator position
>called the "Cookie Ant Man", and that person would have to spend an
>entire event delicately placing Oreo cookies on all the ant mounts
>throughout the site. Another huge problem with this 
>cookie idea is the fact that they blend in with the color of the local
>soil at our site, and birds just happen to love Oreo cookies.
>I pondered upon this dilemma and kept pondering real hard about it until
>I finally started to snooze off and drift off to sleep that evening at
>home. My dreams are usually very lifelike and full of vibrant colors so
>I wasn't surprised to
> find myself in garb, riding on the back of a big can of blue and orange
>Spam that had wings. One moment we were soaring at a breath-taking
>altitude, crashing through puffy white clouds, and the next 
>moment the flying can of Spam and I were plummeting towards mother
>earth. As our speed increased I began to hear a high pitched,
>fingernails scraping on the blackboard sound of shredding metal. 
>My flying can of Sam was disintegrating beneath me!
>The bottom of the Spam can was the first thing to go and then all of the
>coagulated jelly-like packing juice that always covers the meat product
>we call Spam left. I imagined that if someone looked up 
>from the ground and saw my flying Spam can and me it would have looked
>like a jet airliner crashing to the ground with apple jelly spilling out
>of it tail section. 
>When my spam can finally spread its wings and slowed our decent, I
>noticed that we were slowly circling our event site and there were
>hundreds, if not thousands of yellow dots all over the ground.
>I willed the Spam can to land so I could investigate these yellow
>anomalies that might pose problem during our upcoming Autumn Melees.
>As I approached the nearest yellow dot I realized just what they were,
>they were yellow bananas stuck into the top of every single ant mound on
>site. Then everything came together; the Oreo cookies, the ant problem,
>and the cinnamon. My superior brain had led me to a solution to our
>problem with ant control during one of our events. 
>It's a scientifically proven fact that when ants eat too much sugar they
>go into diabetic shock. One might wonder why they don't go into shock
>when they eat an Oreo cookie, but the truth is , one cookie 
>does not contain very much sugar when you think in the grand scheme of
>things. Now a banana is another beast all together. HE Elisabeth has
>warned me over and over about the deadly effect a banana can 
>have when your on a sugar free diet. She cringes every time I peel one
>of those bright yellow obelisk and throw it into the blender along with
>some ice cream, milk, and diet protein powder. I need the banana to
>conceal the horrible taste of the powder!
>I do get a little woozy after I drink one of these concoctions, but I
>never put two and two together. 
>It was like an epiphany; place the fruit of death in the ant hole, and
>the ants will have more than enough sugar in that one banana to put the
>whole mound into diabetic shock. As they consume the soft pulpy 
>fruit we call banana fruit, the tough yellow  banana skin will begin to
>sag and eventually cover the ant hole when all the fruit inside is gone.
>The ants will have consumed the soft fruit, the banana skin will sag and
>cover their
>hole, hence blocking out the sunlight, and the ants, thinking it's
>nighttime, will return to their ant beds and fall into a deep sleep of
>no return by way of diabetic shock. An added bonus to this would be the
>banana skin covering
>the ant hole would act as an airtight seal thereby suffocating the
>sleeping ants before they could revive themselves.
>Our new coordinators position could be called "The Banana Ant Man", and
>much word fame would certainly fall upon this special individual for
>sparing so many the horror of suffering from ant bites.
>Right now your saying to yourself, "What if a bird comes along and
>carries off our bananas." Once again science comes to the rescue with
>proof that birds cannot carry bananas in their beaks due to the fact
>that birds do not have very big lips.
>Without a big lip it is very difficult to grip a slippery object like a
>banana, and since they don't have opposing thumbs it would be impossible
>for a bird to peel a banana.
>These are some of my deep thoughts on the subject of utilizing a natural
>method for ant control, please feel free to come up with a better
>solution if you can.
> 
> 
>By the way, I think it's that protein powder I'm mixing up in the
>morning that's helping me come up with these revolutionary solutions to
>seemingly impossible problems.
> 
> 
>HE Santiago
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>Bordermarch at lists.ansteorra.org
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