[Bordermarch] Lord Chrestien's Pain

[Lathrop, Dave]

Lord Chrestien Brule,

Since your pitiful cry in the dark for a cure to heal your wounded spine is yet unanswered, I, Santiago de Monte Verde, shall do my best to ease your suffering.
I shall take nothing from your good Lady Nora's administrations via fruit squeezings, for indeed they are a powerful treatment.

Before any healing can take place we must return to the cause of your pain, I speak now of your attempt to lift a disabled mode of transportation before the moon was in its full bloom!

On that fateful day of your unabashed display of masculinity, the moon had only reached the first quarter phase of its fullness. To assuage my trepidation I've double checked my sources, The Gregorian calendar, The Mayan calendar, The calendar of Cinco de Mayo, and the calendar a certain Knight keeps hidden in the right hand bottom drawer of his armory's workbench.

The calendars bolster my diagnosis as to the reason your spine is now causing you much pain, "But wait!", you ask, "What's the phases of the moon got to do with my back?"

 Let me explain:
The potato farmer will harvest his crop only when the moon is full.
The longest recorded distance of the nocturnal Flying Squirrel's glide was recorded during a full moon.

I could go on and on, but let it suffice that from the vegetable harvester and the flying rodent we can gather that the moon's gravitational pull is strongest when it is a full bloom!
Had you been able to quell the brash impatience of youth, and waited but a few days for the moon to ripen to its fullest and brightest state, you would have had one of the strongest forces in the universe, GRAVITY, assisting you. YOU FOOL!!!!

The weight you were trying to muscle would have been much lighter during a full moon, and your spine more than likely would have taken the strain; instead you slipped a disk, probably one of the important ones in your spine.
I feel your complete recovery will only take place on August 20th when the moon is once again full.

My recommendation is to eat plenty of until the 20th.

When the 20th arrives, face your head to the north, and make sure your lying on your belly, dead flat on the ironing board. Have your Lady count down the seconds before the moon is at its apex. Just as it reaches its zenith, grip the sides of the ironing board and poke your butt as high into the air as you can. The force of the moon gravity pulling on your slipped disk, and the force of earth's gravity pulling on your spine should pop it back in place.

If you hear an audible pop, but you are still feeling some pain, it's probably the sugared dates and sausage; make sure a bathroom with plenty of toilet paper is close by.

HE Santiago de Monte Verde