[Bordermarch] Secret of the Swallowed Blow-Fly

[Lathrop, Dave]

Greetings unto Barony Bordermarch,

Since HE Elisabeth left out just a few minor details in her verbiage about last night's Populace meeting, I'll try to flesh them out for those who would care to waste time reading this missive.


Thanks to all for a wonderful populace meeting last night. A special thanks to Lady Valencia for her enlightening talk on the history of St George. I was dismayed to find out he didn't kill a real dragon, but I was amazed at how much of the English history is tied into his persona.
We were blessed with the presence of Lord Phocas and his better half, Lady Ellen. Lord Phocas's  son Lord Redman, finally woke up during the meeting only to realize that the upcoming Baronial will be held in Winnie, not at the castle.
Countess Mistress Tessa was announced as our new Hospitaler. She already has some devious plans ready to snare new members. She informed all at Officers meeting earlier in the week that during her recent visit to the Bone and Joint clinic she spied many people there with crutches just like hers. With the Swine Flu fresh on her mind, she realized that none of the people there were wearing the blue masks. Everybody was milling around on their crutches, talking and visiting with each other without a care in the world. With a great sigh of relief she told us that due to her rationalized observation at the clinic, she didn't think her broken foot was contagious. You could feel the tension in the room dissipate with this shared good news.
Lord Zane was announced as our newest Knight Marshal. He is overjoyed at the fact that Sir Simonn, his dad, and our acting Knight Marshall, will now become his deputy.
Lord Elrique wowed everyone by describing the feast he is preparing for our Baronial next week. All of Lord Elrique's feast are of Grand Magnitude, and are always fit for a King.
Lady Padragin showed off the site tokens she crafted with her teeth, she received Ohhs and Ahhs from all.
Dona Leah admitted that she would love to become Bordermarch's official "Garage-Sale-Rug-finding-Lady". We certainly wouldn't want to waste that kind of talent!
Lady Catalina purchased for Bordermarch, two white ten by ten pop-up pavilions. We are in the process of purchasing three all weather rugs for the Barony as well. Lady Catalina was not present at Populace, she said she was helping her son, m'lord Justin, move. We were all skeptical because m'lord Justin's only possession is a rather small jelly jar half full of belly-button lint. His ultimate goal is to get into Guinness's "Book of World Records" with his lint.
HE Elisabeth passed out some sheets for everyone to fill out. On the sheets, our good people will write down the items they have in their possession that belong to the barony. We will then have a pretty good inventory of the barony's belongings, and the whereabouts of those belongings. She also had everyone list the top five items they think the barony needs. Sir Simonn's request for some loner "blow-up dolls" will not be considered.
Lord Slovaczek was overwhelmed by the fact that he is no longer Bordermarch's Hospitaler, but his delirium prompted him to try and pawn off the Water Bearing duties he has become so adapt at. HE Elisabeth would not release him from his duties, and calmed him down by allowing him to take an extra ST George cookie. The cookies were commissioned by Lady Valencia to be baked into the shape and color of ST George's flag; white background sporting a red cross. I believe it was Lord Sasha and Lord Elrique who fought over the last one in the box.
A big thanks to the Ladies, HE Amber lea, Lady Libby, HE Therese, and her friend she still hasn't introduced me to, and Lady Meresankh for just being there last night. You all light up the room with your beauty and glowing wisdom.
Although Lord Zephan and Lord Yaghi as well as m'lord "better-treat-Dona Lea's-daughter-right", Justin, were present; the light in the room seemed to dim when they arrived.

Since they always kick us out when the store closes at 9:00pm, we continued the meeting in the Gander Mountain parking lot, and once again, that's where I had another near death experience.
I was in prime shape last night; I hadn't tripped over a curb, or slipped on some Texas black ice, (oil drippings), or clipped my leg on any of the cars in the parking lot. I was in such good spirits that I open my mouth to say something joyful, although I can't remember what is was, to Lord John Sterling, and just as I was about to speak, a big blow-fly flew into my mouth! No-kidding! It was one of those iridescent blue-green things with the big eyes. Needless to say, I grabbed my throat and pinched it, I didn't want the bug going all the way down into my body; the throat pinch didn't work. I walked away from the crowd as fast as I could, bobbing and weaving as I tried to cough up the blow-fly. I was afraid someone was going to rush over and try the Heimlich maneuver on me; I don't trust some of the guys in our group. Thank God we had stopped at a burger joint on the way to the meeting, where I grabbed a #1, with cheese, large fries, and a Coke. My Coke was still in the car. All I had to do was dig out my keys and unlock the door, all the while, choking to death!
I managed to get the drink, but I was too late. When I took a swallow the fly was too far down to be swished back up. The blow-fly was in my belly! I drank half of the Coke to kill the taste of whatever that fly had been carrying on its dirty feet, but something was lingering. I realized to my horror that the blow-fly was gone, but it's wings were stuck securely to my uvula!  Here's what a uvula is: "Uvula---a small fleshy "V"-shaped extension of the soft palate that hangs above the tongue at the entrance to the throat" It's that dangly thing in your throat. I coughed and hacked and drank some more Coke; the wings remained where the blow-fly had shed them;  stuck to  my uvula.
Since I was embarrassed, I had to keep the secret of the swallowed blow-fly to myself. "I shall suffer no shame because I know in my heart of hearts that God does not make mistakes, he wanted that blow-fly in my mouth for a reason."
I held my little secret to my bosom with all my strength for what seemed an eternity, but five minutes into the drive home I cracked! I told HE Elisabeth of my ingested blow-fly that had been touched by the hand of God. HE Elisabeth is my confidant, my soul-mate, my ying when I'm yanging, she's the keeper of my deepest secrets; she immediately informed, by long distance call, another keeper of deep secrets Lord Adolf the Unsympathetic. When HE Elisabeth stopped her convulsive cackling to catch her breath, I could hear Lord Adolf on the other end of the phone choking on his own spittle as he laughed! May he forever suffer with gimples on his nibblets!
I'm not too worried about the blow-fly in my belly because when I got home I stole one of my daughters freshly made cup-cakes; I ate it with unaccustomed haste and vigor. The blow-fly is a nasty filthy bug that carries germ and disease, but it doesn't stand a chance against one of my daughter's burnt-to-a-crisp cupcakes.
I've already had two cups of hot coffee and a delicious Bear-claw pastry heated to perfection this morning, but It still feels as if the blow-fly's wings are stuck to my uvula.

HE Santiago