BVC - Fwd: Laugh of the Day - The Beer Me Diet]

Dennis J Dolan djdolan at juno.com
Sun Aug 16 06:51:42 PDT 1998


Nothing happening on the list, (probably Pennsic) so I thought I'd send
this out, to see if its still working..............remember the diet has
to be adjusted for a higher calorie beer.

doran

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*             Laugh of the Day           *
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The "Beer Me" Diet

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water,
and
the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200
calories
for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to
three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12
beverages a day for women, and 15 for men.  A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush
out
almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including
deep
knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your
heart) and squats (as the case may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't
necessarily tired.  All that added rest is certain to help any problems
you
may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those
other
fad diets. In  addition, you may experience the occasional  "How did I
get
here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and
possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of
consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume
some
aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule
is
that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of
the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in
your
body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick
walk
and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise
are
common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is
chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your
workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress.  To
take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a
beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.  Based on these facts, let's run
through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the
work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up.  Go to
favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process
(remember
12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling
slightly
smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed
(particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin.  Notice
that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not
returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal  due to an
ongoing
discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only
half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you 
still
don't feel hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very
convenient
diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented
year-round. There is some major professional sport being  played every
day
of the year except the day before and the day after  the  Major League
All-Star game (fact-look it up).  Consumption on this day should be paced
to
cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon.  Again you notice a
lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time.

Don't forget the aspirin.

MONDAY:  Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly
mellow.  Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming
weekend.

Happy dieting!!!



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