[DFT] irish jokes

[Seanan]

 Fw: THOSE ROWDY IRISHMEN!!!




  McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
  removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'
cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
  "what was that all about?"
  "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives
  -------------------------------------

  "I've Lost Me Luggage"

  An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks.
  An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
  "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
  "How'd that happen?"
  "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
  -----------------------------------------


  "Water to Wine"

  An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut.
  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
  empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
  He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
  "Just water," says the priest.
  The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
  The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
  ----------------------------------------

  "The Brothel"

  Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then
they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
  ----------------------------------------------

  "Lost at Sea"

  Two Irishmen, Patrick &Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
  dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that
a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
  To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
  however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
three.
  Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew
ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle
lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances.
  Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
  After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now
  we're going to have to pee in the boat."
  ---------------------------------------------

  "Irish Prayer"

  Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.
  "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
  --------------------------------------------------

  "You've Been Out Drinking Again"

  An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on
his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once
outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the
four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on
his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached
his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull
himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
  He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
  "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
  Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
  makes you say that?"
  "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
  --------------------------------------------------

Q:Why have the Irish been fighting themselves for a thousand years?
A: They never found a more worthy opponent