ES - A few thoughts for friends of Axel and Jeanmaire

Sharon Palkowetz vivaine at flash.net
Thu Jul 30 05:49:26 PDT 1998


Never knowing what to say or do, or what is appropriate is the hardest thing for
friends that want to help.  All to often, the support system (i.e. friends or
loved ones) are unsure, and therefore, feel that its better to do nothing for
fear of making the wounds worse.  This was very insightful and helpful.  Thank
you very much for sharing this.

Vivaine

James D. Logan/Jane Sitton-Logan wrote:

> Greetings from rural Olney, TX, 40 mi south of Brad Leah.
>
> Madeleine de Lyndesaye here.
>
> I read with sadness about the tragic deaths of Axel & Jeanmaire's
> parents.  As someone who lost three family members (10 years ago) to
> murder, I thought I might be able to share some ideas with friends of
> Axel and Jeanmaire.
>
> Understand that they may be in shock for some time, perhaps longer than
> you think is "normal", "right", or "necessary".  Don't expect them to
> act like everything is fine after a few months.  The holidays are soon
> ahead, and that may be the worst time of all for them to deal with.  My
> mother and sister died in May, and my father in July, and it wasn't
> until Thanksgiving that I really broke down and let out all my grief.
>
> If they want to talk about it, let them.  Don't tell them to quit
> dwelling on it.  For many people, talking through problems is how they
> manage to cope.  Notice I didn't say "get over".  They will never
> completely recover from such a tragic experience.  But they will
> eventually fall back into their "normal" routine.  It has been ten years
> since I lost half my family, and at times, the wound still stings.  The
> best thing you can do is have patience and a willing ear to listen.
>
> Do NOT say, "I know just how you feel," unless you really do.  On the
> other hand, don't be shy about saying, "I feel so sorry for your loss."
> My best friend never told me she was sorry when I lost my parents and
> sister until I explained that her lack of saying anything at all hurt
> worse than saying something she might have thought was stupid.
>
> If you knew Axel's parents, write down any memories you have of them.
> Pictures and letters are nice, too.  Axel and Jeanmaire may not
> acknowledge your contribution now, but later on, it will be greatly
> appreciated.  I have an uncle who saved every letter my father ever
> wrote to him, and it is wonderful now to be able to read them.
>
> Understand that Axel and Jeanmaire may have trouble remembering just
> everything that is happening right now.  Sometimes people push painful
> things into the furthest recesses of their minds, and have trouble
> recalling them later.  I know there are things I blacked out.  It's like
> having a file with no file name.  Part of the problem with that is you
> never know when it will come back to mind and cause you more grief.
>
> Keep in mind that they may want some privacy for a while.  Don't take it
> personally if they act in a way you might think is rude.  Some people
> are very private about their grief.  Don't let it keep you from inviting
> them to do things with you.  Sometimes offering a distraction is the
> best thing you can do.
>
> Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I'm not a grief counselor by
> any stretch of the imagination, but I have experienced a similar
> tragedy.  I just thought I'd share my observations.
>
> Be of good cheer.  --Madeleine de Lyndesaye
> aka Jane Sitton-Logan (wife of Laird Logan the smith)
>
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