ES - A few thoughts for friends of Axel and Jeanmaire

[James D. Logan/Jane Sitton-Logan]

Greetings from rural Olney, TX, 40 mi south of Brad Leah.

Madeleine de Lyndesaye here.

I read with sadness about the tragic deaths of Axel & Jeanmaire's
parents.  As someone who lost three family members (10 years ago) to
murder, I thought I might be able to share some ideas with friends of
Axel and Jeanmaire.

Understand that they may be in shock for some time, perhaps longer than
you think is "normal", "right", or "necessary".  Don't expect them to
act like everything is fine after a few months.  The holidays are soon
ahead, and that may be the worst time of all for them to deal with.  My
mother and sister died in May, and my father in July, and it wasn't
until Thanksgiving that I really broke down and let out all my grief.

If they want to talk about it, let them.  Don't tell them to quit
dwelling on it.  For many people, talking through problems is how they
manage to cope.  Notice I didn't say "get over".  They will never
completely recover from such a tragic experience.  But they will
eventually fall back into their "normal" routine.  It has been ten years
since I lost half my family, and at times, the wound still stings.  The
best thing you can do is have patience and a willing ear to listen.

Do NOT say, "I know just how you feel," unless you really do.  On the
other hand, don't be shy about saying, "I feel so sorry for your loss."
My best friend never told me she was sorry when I lost my parents and
sister until I explained that her lack of saying anything at all hurt
worse than saying something she might have thought was stupid.

If you knew Axel's parents, write down any memories you have of them.
Pictures and letters are nice, too.  Axel and Jeanmaire may not
acknowledge your contribution now, but later on, it will be greatly
appreciated.  I have an uncle who saved every letter my father ever
wrote to him, and it is wonderful now to be able to read them.

Understand that Axel and Jeanmaire may have trouble remembering just
everything that is happening right now.  Sometimes people push painful
things into the furthest recesses of their minds, and have trouble
recalling them later.  I know there are things I blacked out.  It's like
having a file with no file name.  Part of the problem with that is you
never know when it will come back to mind and cause you more grief.

Keep in mind that they may want some privacy for a while.  Don't take it
personally if they act in a way you might think is rude.  Some people
are very private about their grief.  Don't let it keep you from inviting
them to do things with you.  Sometimes offering a distraction is the
best thing you can do.

Well, that's all I can think of right now.  I'm not a grief counselor by
any stretch of the imagination, but I have experienced a similar
tragedy.  I just thought I'd share my observations.

Be of good cheer.  --Madeleine de Lyndesaye
aka Jane Sitton-Logan (wife of Laird Logan the smith)

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