ES - FW: Alices A&S Documentation-long

[Vicki Marsh]

I've had this for awhile.  Thought I'd share it with you all.

Also, after going to the Laurel's retreat this past weekend, I wanted to
tell you that I had more fun than I thought possible with a bunch of
"Seam-Checking, Document-inspecting" artists.

Of course, when I left the retreat, a group of the more "Ancient and
honorable" members were dancing around in their bathing suits to the Rocky
Horror Picture Show music, "Time Warp". We had "Laurel Soup" in the hot tub.
We were weird and silly, argumentative and productive. 

It was great.

It was pretty cool, when Mistress Claire talked about the A & S survey that
was on the web, and the responses to it.  One of the things that people said
they wanted to see was more local and regional colleges.  In the next
several months (if we get a date for Baronial College - SOON), we have two
in Elfsea.  And that's not including the informal classes at the Fool's
Revel and all our guilds.

It makes me proud to be from Elfsea.

Baroness Xene, OL
____________________
Hey guys came across this.  Store it away some where and read it later.
It is pretty funny.

Alices A&S Documentation
This song is called Alice's A&S Documentation. Its not really about
Alice, and I
dont think she has ever even entered an A&S competition, Its just the
name of
the song. So thats why I called it "Alice's A&S Documentation".

You can make it as period as you want, with super glue and duct tape.
You can justify anything you want, with super glue, and a little tape...

Just slap some on, it wont hurt you'll see!
If the fighters can do it then why can't we?
You can Justify anything you want, with superglue and a little duct
tape.

Now it all started two Presidents days ago, that is, two years ago on a
Saturday, When my freind and I decided to enter some documentation for
the A&S
Prize at Estrella. Now Calligraphy and Illumination weren't the
Categories at
this Estrella, It was costuming and soap making, or something like that,
with
stage arts, and people singing, and all of that .And bein it was the war
and
all, there was a LOT of documentation, and seein' as how they was all
Laurels
and stuff, it was some pretty good documentation to.

We got there, and we found all of this documentation in there, and none
of it
had anything to do with Calligraphy and Illumination, so we decided that
it
would be a freindly, and educating gesture, if we should enter our own
documentation, so we collected references, and citations, and foot
notes, and
other implements of destruction, and proceeded to make a book of hours
that
would really knock their socks off!

Well, everything was going great, and it was time to show our
masterpiece and
its wonderful documentation when we discovered, much to our dismay, this
little
paragraph at the bottom of the rules:
"Paragraph E) Documentation of the entries shall be a condition of
entry. No
documentation shall exceed 5 pages, and must be neatly written or
typed."

Now, we had never heard of an A&S competition that had a length
requirement as a
condition of entry, so we just assumed it was a mistake. So we ended up
with 13
neatly written, typed, lazer printed pages, on good paper!

And then we went off to the feast, to carouse, and do generally what it
is that
Lords do in these current midde ages, and generally had the best time
fighting
an army that couldn;t be beat until the next morning, when we got a call
from
Mistrell Laurel Seem checker. She said "Kid, we found your name at the
bottom of
a stack of documentation 13 pages thick, and just wanted to know if you
knew
anything about it." And I said " Yes maam, mistress Laurel maam! I
cannot tell a
lie! I wrote that name on the back of that documentation!"

After speaking to Mistress Laurel and my Knight for about 45 minutes in
the
middle of the Camp, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and
she said
that we had to go with her to the A&S contest and retrieve our illicit
documentation, and also to go down to talk with her at the Laurels
Meeting. So
we trudged across the field, to the A&S competition, where people was
reading
away at stacks of documentation concerning Cothardies, and Elizabethans,
and
other implements of instruction and retrieved our lengthy documentation.
Then we
headed to the laurels meeting.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that the Laurels coulda
done to us
at that meeting, and the first was that they could give us both Laurels
for
being so Academic and Honest and producing such wonderful documentation,
which
wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it, and the other being that we
could
be bawled us out and told never again to be seen submitting too much
documentation and that would be the end of it. But when we got to the
laurels
meeting, there was a third possibility that we hadn't thought of, and we
was
both immediately volunteered as servers for the Queens Tea!
And I said "Mistress Laurel, I don't think I can serve tea! I'm supposed
to
fight in the grand melee in half an hour!" Mistress Laurel looked at us
like she
was gonna cry and ruin our whole day when may Knight, who is also a
laurel said
"Shut up kid, and serve the Ladies some tea!"

And that's what we did, there near the laurels meeting, serving teas,
and
biscuits, to the ladies, and the queen and a bunch of other people, most
of whom
seemed to be wearing large crowns and a very disapproving look whenever
we
wondered by. Now, I wanna tell you about that Laurels meeting: My
barony's got 4
laurels,  2 pelicans, a Court Baron, and 5 or so Knights. But when we
looked
over at the laurels meeting, there was Kings, and Queens, and all kinds
of
Dressed up Laurels, and my Knight was there, and both of the Pelicans!
And they
was using up all kinds of mundane equipment, writing down notes, and
someone
even had a laptop computer connected to the web! They made 16 copies of
our
documentation, complete with annotations, connotations, recommendations,
and
other inundation's, each one to be used as evidence against us!

After the Queens Tea, we decided to leave, and maybe try to get back
into armor,
when one of the laurels spied us sneaking away and grabbed us by the
ears and
pulled as back. She said "Kid, your to wait right here until we are
finished,
and I want your fighters authorization card, your membership card, your
ladies
favor, and your red belts." I said "Mistress, I can understand you
wanting our
cards and our favors and stuff so we can't go off and have a good time
fighting
an army that can't be beat, but why do you need our Squires belts?" And
she said
"Kid, we don't want no Knightings." I said "Mistress, did you think they
might
Knight us for composing really good documentation?"  Mistress Laurel
said she
was just making sure, and friends, she was making sure because she took
our
daggers and our swords, and the swords of two other gentles who just
happened to
be near bye just in case someone decided to do a Drive by Dubbing. So we
sat
there until later when Duke Gregory came by and bailed us out of the
mess by
saying something nice to the secretary to the Order who happened to be a
friend
of his, which also made her blush, though she smiled really pretty and
reminded
us why we play this game after all is said and done,  and we got into
our armor
and had a really good time fighting and army that couldn't be beat until
the
next morning, when we all had to go to Court.

We walked in, sat down, Mistress Laurel came in with the scads and scads
of
notebooks containing annotations, connotations, recommendations and
other
inundation's, each one to be used as evidence against us, and sat down.
The
Herald came in and said "All Rise for the Court of His Majesty the
King!". And
we all stood up, and Mistress Laurel stood up with the scads of
documentation.
And the King walked in, and he had tattoos on his chest, and she could
see them,
cuz he wasn't wearing a tunic, and his breaches were striped and there
was this
huge axe slung onto his extremely broad back... and Mistress Laurel
looked at
her scads of documentation, and back at the King, who belched and asked
where
his drinking horn was, and then back at her documentation... and began
to sob,'
cause she had just realized this was going to be a case of Typical Norse
Justice
and there wasn't anything she could do about it, and the King wasn't
going to
look at her scads of documentation, with the commendations,
declarations,
recommendations and annotations, each one to be used as evidence against
us. And
we was told to apologize, and swear that it would never happen again,
and then
we had to go out and fight the King, which was hard, cuz he just
couldn't be beat!

But that's not what I came to talk to you about. Came to talk about An
Tir!

They got themselves a Kingdom up in the Northwest, its called An Tir,
where you
can get Rained on, Reigned in, and Snowed on. And you can be Afflicted
by
Canadian Accents, and have something horrible happen to you (called a
twit) if
you write songs like this! I moved up there, to Williams Gate, (They got
a song
about Williams gate) to get a job as a programmer, when I learned about
the
scriptorium in the Barony of Madronne. I decided it might be a friendly
thing to
make a visit there the next day, So I proceeded to get drunk, and do
some
Calligraphy so my Fingers would be stained with ink, and get the paint
in my
hair so that I would look and feel my best when I went to meet those
fine
upstanding citizens the next day. 'Cause I want to look like the Rebel
Squire
with a free quill pen from the Sovereign kingdom of Caid, man, I wanted,
I
really wanted to feel like the all drug down Rebel Squire from Caid with
a will
to paint graffiti on a Laurel Scroll - I wanted to BE the rebel squire
with a
loose quill pen, and knife to grind! And I was colored up! And I was
colored
down! And I was colored everywhere except my cheeks, which were colored
naturally when I blush. And I walked in and sat down at the table there,
and
this guild mistress came over to me and said..."Kid, go next door to the
Duchess
and watch "Lion in Winter" with her and tell her about yourself."  So I
went
next door and I sat down. And I said, "Your Grace! I wanna do Kingdom
Scrolls. I
wanna do baronial scrolls! I wanna have a pen between my teeth, ink
behind my
ears and heavy metal poisoning in my veins! I want to make my own QUILL!
I mean,
my own Quill, QUILL, QUILL!" And I started jumping up and down on the
bench
shouting "QUILL! Quill! QUILL!" And then SHE started jumping up and down
on, and
shouting "QUILL! QUILL! QUILL!", and a cute laurel came over to me and
pinned a
favor on me and said "Your My boy!" and then she took me out to dinner.
Felt
pretty good about it too...

I proceeded down the hall, getting more solicitations, rejections, and
general
inspections, until I came to the garage, where an older gentleman, in a
down
parka, and mittens, and a white belt was mending a helm. He said, "Kid!
have you
ever been to Court? And so I proceeded to tell him the saga of the
Alice's
Documentation Fiasco, with full orchestrations, and medieval harmony,
and
dia-chromatic scale - when he stopped me right there, and said "Kid,
have you
ever been to a Laurels meeting?"

And so I proceeded to tell him the story of the A&S Competition and the
laurels
court with the Court Baron and the 5 knights, and the lap top, each one
with
connotation, implications, degradations, and recommendations that was to
be used
against me - and he stopped me right there, and said "Kid, I want you to
go over
there and sit on the bench that says Sergeants Only... Now Kid!"

And I walked over to the bench there, with the Sergeants, where they put
you if
your a fighter who might be talented enough to be a laurel someday...
And there
was all kinds of noble looking, mean and particularly talented people,
sitting
on the bench there. Damascus Forgers! Woolen Weavers!   Chain mail
Riveters!
Chain mail riveters right there on the bench with me! And the biggest,
most well
dressed, with biggest arms and the Biggest Belt Buckle of them all came
over to
me and asked "Kid, whad you get?"He said. I looked him straight in the
eyes and
said "I didn' get nothing! All I had to do was serve tea, and
apologize!" And
then he asked me "So what did you do?" "I wrote some Illumination
Documentation..." and they all moved away from me on the bench there,
away from
me... "And creating a nuisance!" I said, and they all came back and
shook my
hand and we a grand old time talking about fighting and brewing, and
making
swords, and melting points, and all of that. And everything was fine,
and we was
smoking cigarettes and drinking home brewed mead, when the Knight came
by with
some paper in his hand and held it up and said

"Kids!
This-piece-of-paper-has-47-words-37-scentences-we-the-knights-wanna-know  
-how-you-messed-up-in-this-artsy-fartsy-thing-anyways-and-how-you-feel-a  
bout-politics-and-what-size-you-think-a-minimum-sword-thickness-should-b  
e-and-also-what-you-think-about-Lights-and-any-other-thing-you-got-to-say!"
And he talked for 45 minutes there while drinking our mead, and nobody
understood a word he was saying, but he was a Knight, so its seemed kind
of like
a good idea to at least look like we was paying attention to him. But we
had fun
filling out the paper, and I filled out the greek tragedy of the
documentation
with the 4 part harmony and the dia-chromatic scale, and everything was
fine so
I put down my paper, and turned it over and on the back was a single
sentence:

("Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?")
I went over to the knight and said, "Sir Knight, you have got an awful
lot of...
it was then that I noticed the picture of his absolutely stunning
daughter above
the work bench there, and I mean, she looked, I mean, she was must have
been,
she had to have been at least 18! and decided that I liked this guy
after all,
"Pizaaaz! in asking me to tell you if I think I have rehabilitated
myself!. I
mean, hear I am, sitting on the Sergeants bench, and I'm only a squire!
Imagine
where I'll be after this story I'm writing gets let out? And he said,
"Kid, the
Chivalry up here don't like your kind. And were going to have your
device up to
be re-registered by the Heralds so you can't fight in Crown."

And friends, somewhere down there in Milpitas, there is this little slip
of
paper, with a study of my device on it complete with documentation, and
stuff
like that and god only knows when I'll get it back... And the only
reason I'm
singing this song now is cause you may know someone in a similar
situation. And
if your ever in a situation like that, there is only just one thing you
can
do... and that is invite yourself to a laurels circle, and be heard
loudly to
proclaim "You make it as period as You want, with Super glue and Duct
Tape". And
you know, if one person, just one person does it, then they might think
he is
crazy, and maybe they won't take him. But if two people do, two people
mind you,
then they might think they know too much already, and not take either of
them.
And 3 people walking up and singing a bar from Alice's Documentation,
and then
they might think its an organization and might need to be squashed. And
can you
think, what would happen if it were 50 people a day? I said, 50 people a
day
came to a Laurels circle and sang a few bars from Alices Documentation?
And
friends, they might just think its politics and get nervous and actually
change something!

And that's what it is. The Alice's anti-short documentation movement. So
why
don't you join me in the verse... just Sing it out, next time it comes
around...

With feeling, so we'll wait for it to come around on the lute here, and
sing it
when it does...

"You can make it as period as you want, with super glue and duct tape.
You can justify anything you want, with super glue, and a little tape...

Just slap some on, it wont hurt you'll see!
If the fighters can do it then why can't we?
You can Justify anything you want, with superglue and a little duct
tape."

That was Horrible! If you want to end Wars and Tournaments and stuff,
you've got
to sing loud!
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes.. I could sing
it for
another 25...
I'm not proud.... not smart either.

So we'll wait till it comes around again....
We're just waiting for it to come around again....
All right now.
You can make it as period as you want, with super glue and duct tape.
Except a lemming...
You can justify anything you want, with super glue, and a little tape...

Just slap some on, it wont hurt you'll see!
If the fighters can do it then why can't we?
You can Justify anything you want, with superglue and a little duct
tape.




Cystennin Sends,

with many apologies to many fine artists and laurels out there...
"It's all in good fun!" (



--
Al Cofrin
AKA Avatar of Catsprey
http://www.flash.net/~avatar1/

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