[Elfsea] An informative history lesson....

[Terri Head]

thanks! This made my monday bearable!


---------- Original Message ----------------------------------
From: "Arabella de Montacute" <arabella at elfsea.net>
Reply-To: elfsea at ansteorra.org
Date: Fri,  1 Feb 2002 20:02:50 -0600

>Since things hsve been so serious laterly I thought we needed a Historical laugh.  Pendaran sent these to me today, I thank him very much I needed a good laugh.
>
>>I don't know if these are real or made up, but they're funny!
>>-Brian
>>
>>The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history  test.
>>Watch the spelling! Some of the best humour is in the misspelling.
>>
>>1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
>>hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is
>>such  that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>>
>>2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made  unleavened
>>bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on  Mount
>>Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.  He died before he ever reached
>>Canada.
>>
>>3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred  porcupines.
>>
>>4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
>>wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female  moth.
>>
>>5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
>>advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After
>>his  death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>>
>>6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,  and
>>threw the java.
>>
>>7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The
>>Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
>>king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
>>
>>8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard  Shaw.
>>
>>9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a  success.
>>When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted  "hurrah."
>>
>>10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.   Gutenberg invented
>>removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was  the
>>circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
>>invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the
>>world  with a 100-foot clipper.
>>
>>11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  He was
>>born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
>>money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
>>comedies, and  hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet
>>are an example of a  heroic couple.
>>
>>12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He  wrote
>>Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
>>Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
>>
>>13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented  Congress.
>>Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of  the
>>Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
>>cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
>>Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>>
>>14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.   Lincoln's mother
>>died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built  with his
>>own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
>>Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
>>and  got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
>>They believe  the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
>>actor. This ruined  Booth's career.
>>
>>15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a  large
>>number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
>>kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
>>famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German,
>>half  Italian, and half English. He was very large.
>>
>>16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he  wrote
>>loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
>>calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
>>
>>17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
>>inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
>>machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
>>spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
>>work of a hundred  men.
>>
>>18. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
>>
>>19. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the  Species.
>>
>>20. Madman Curie discovered the radio.
>>
>>21. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
>>
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--
 "Stop telling God how big your storm is.
Instead,  tell your storm how big your GOD is."

~ Unknown


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