[Elfsea] FW: Queer Eye For...

kristid2001@yahoo.com kristid2001 at yahoo.com
Sat Dec 20 07:34:40 PST 2003

Wow! And can you just imagine the Fab 5 walking into your typical SCA event? Carson would fall over in a dead faint, Kyan would run screaming, Thom would just stand there with his mouth hanging open, Ted would be take one look at the kitchen and realize he was hopelessly outclassed, and- at the right event- Jai would never make it off of the dance floor alive!

Betsy Marshall <betsy at softwareinnovation.com> wrote:

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-----Original Message-----
From: Peter A. Schorn [mailto:peterschorn at pdq.net] 
Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2003 7:51 PM
To: Betsy Marshall; Beth Ham; christiegolden.com; Corrinne Elizabeth Drake; HiyoAG24 at aol.com; Jeff Verona; Jeffery Hartley; Joe Wolf; Lee & Susan; Lisa Woodworth; Paul DeLisle; Ruby; rudin; Tia; Trixie A Delisle; Troyce Wilson; Wilkerson, Glen D; ylwrose2 at juno.com
Subject: Queer Eye For...


...Fox Mulder:

THOM: Ohhhh-kay. For the record, you can make a coffee table out of almost anything: a door, an ottoman, old steamer trunks. You cannot make a coffee table out of stacks of porn videos.

MULDER: That’s not a coffee table. It’s just -- convenient.

TED : Guys, do NOT sit on the sofa. (Thom quickly begins covering the sofa in Saran Wrap.) 

MULDER: Probably wise. 

CARSON: Let’s talk about this closet. I’m not seeing anything too scary here. That’s because I’m only seeing one thing here. Tell me, Fox -- GREAT name -- what do you wear to work?

MULDER: Dark suit, conservative tie.

CARSON: What do you wear when you go out in the evenings?

MULDER: Like to meet informants? Dark suit, conservative tie.

CARSON: And for a date?

MULDER: Date? 

THOM: The rest of the apartment is like some Soviet décor gulag -- but the bedroom is fantastic! Who did this for you? Because, let’s face it, you didn’t do this yourself.

MULDER: Kind of a weird story, really --

...Blair Sandburg:

KYAN: Okay. You have chosen to wear your hair this way because -- why?

BLAIR: I don’t know. It’s always been curly. It’s this or white man’s ‘fro.

CARSON (sotto voce): And this is NOT white man’s ‘fro?

KYAN: Don’t get me wrong; I salute you for avoiding the ‘fro option. But you can’t just give up. You have to say, I’m willing to fight this. I’m READY to fight this.

BLAIR: I didn’t think it was that bad.

KYAN: Science makes bold leaps forward in hair-care every day, Blair. Waxes. Spray starches. Japanese thermal straightening. We have the technology. 

...Captain Jack Sparrow:

CARSON: Okay, this is your normal everyday look? This isn’t, like, terror drag?

JACK: Oh, this old thing. (Holds out the sleeves of his coat, tosses his hair.) 

CARSON: Well, the good side is, you’re not afraid to take chances. We can work with that. 

TED: Come and take a look at the bar. We’ve tried to provide a little more variety, a little more finesse -- some top-brand vodka for mixers, a nice brandy --

JACK: Where is the rum?

TED: Rum -- you know, rum’s nice in a pina colada or something like that, but it’s a little downscale, and if you’ll just consider --

JACK (pulls out musket): We’ll be putting the rum back, mate.

TED: And the rum goes back.

...Lex Luthor:

KYAN: Looks like I’m sitting this one out.

THOM: The stained glass, the statues -- I feel like I’m visiting a museum, not hanging out at a friend’s house. 

LEX: I don’t like my possessions stored away in vaults. Wealth isn’t real unless you can see it. Unless you can feel it.

JAI (stares long and hard): Are you SURE you belong on this show?

LEX: Maybe.

CARSON (sticks his head in from the hallway): This man’s closet is FULL of silk shirts in soft pastels and deep purple.

LEX: Okay. Maybe not.

...Legolas Greenleaf:

KYAN: Most guys with long hair don’t put in the time to condition properly, but you have, which is kind of the saving grace here. 

LEGOLAS: Elves have no split ends. Our hair is, like the rest of our bodies, perfect and unchanging.

KYAN: Well, it’s past time for changing, because this look hasn’t been in since -- well, ever.

CARSON: Also, when you combine it with this outfit you’ve got going? The overall effect is very Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan. Not sexy.

JAI (gestures toward the windows, which are lined with screaming girls, all clawing at the glass): I’m not sure this guy has a big problem with that.

LEGOLAS smirks.


The FAB FIVE stare.

KYAN: He uses product.

CARSON: The jacket, the pants, the shirt -- it all works.

THOM: Why are you even here?

ANGEL: Cordelia made me. She wants your autographs.

KYAN: It’s like he’s the One Straight Man foretold by prophecy.

ANGEL (grimaces): Please, no prophecies.

CARSON: For the first and only time, I’m going to say it -- Don’t change a thing.

ANGEL: Can I go now?

... Magneto

JAI: Okay, I feel like you’re giving off really hostile vibes. What is the image you’re presenting to the world? What are you trying to communicate?

MAGNETO: That humanity’s time is over, and that they will soon be crushed under my heel.

JAI: Negative, negative energy. You’d be a lot happier if you’d try something just a little lighter, a little more colorful. And so I thought we’d start with your name. "Magneto" -- so harsh, and frankly, it sounds like you’re trying just a bit too hard. 

MAGNETO: I no longer wish to be known by my human name.

JAI: I get that. So I just want to show you -- we switch two letters around, and we get something so much brighter: "Magento." 

MAGNETO: I’m going to have to kill you all now.

CARSON: Not before you explain this helmet. 


KYAN: This hair -- this is not good. When did you last wash this?

SNAPE: I have more important matters to attend to than hairstyles, frivolous fool.

CARSON: Starting with the wardrobe choices. Green is not your color.

KYAN: You're a potions master, right? You can whip up a little Selsun Blue sometime. Try it.

SNAPE (smiles wickedly>: I did put together -- this.

The Fab Five stares at the bubbling cauldron.

TED: That is the most disreputable Pinot Noir I've ever seen.

SNAPE: It's not wine, you imbeciles! It's a potion.

JAI: And that would be a potion that does -- what?

SNAPE: Those exposed to it develop a lifelong affinity for -- polyester.

THOM: Run! Run! Now! Now!

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