[Gatesedge] RE: Wanted Poster

[Young, Carolyn]

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This must be an OLD poster -- NORAD has been tracking him on radar and
visually (he slows down to Mach 2 so our planes can keep up) since 1955.

Also see below --


Have a safe and happy New Year.

Cheers,
Caitlin


Carolyn B. Young
Goodman Mfg.
IT - Branch
713/861.2500 ext 425

-----Original Message-----
From: iaenmor [mailto:iaenmor at swbell.net]
Sent: Tuesday, December 24, 2002 8:15 AM
To: Gates Edge
Subject:


thought I would pass this one on.

this just in
WANTED
SANTA CLAUS
ALIASES ST. NICK, SANTA, CHRIS KRINGLE, ST. NICHOLAS, JOLLY OLD ELF, BEARDED
FATMAN, SANTE KLASS, CHRISTMAS ELF



DESCRIPTION
WHITE MALE WITH WHITE HAIR AND FULL BEARD. KNOWN TO WEAR GOLD RIM GLASSES
AND SMOKE PIPE.
HEIGHT 6 FT WEIGHT 350 + PDS
LAST SEEN WEARING A RED SUIT WITH WHITE FUR TRIM ON WAIST AND CUFFS. RED HAT
WITH WHITE FUR TRIM. BLACK BOOTS.

WANTED BY THE FBI, CIA, OSHA, EPA, FAA, IRS, HUMANE SOCIETY, and VARIOUS
FEDERAL, STATE & LOCAL AGENCIES.

MODUS OPERANDI Breaks and enters a home leaves gifts or coal under people's
tree and in stockings. Escapes by red sleigh operated by eight or nine
flying reindeer.

WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CRIMES:
Breaking and Entering.
Trespass.
Thief (all that cookies and milk)
[*] Not all - they are left out with the expressed intention that they are
for him and his name is usually on the card left  with the cookies and milk
Speeding.
Malicious Mischief (the coal).
Not wearing seat belt.
[*] Vehicle was built before 1970 and is not required to have seat belts.
Operating a vehicle without a license.
Operating a vehicle without safety lights.
Operating an unsafe vehicle (no airbags or roll bar).
Operating an unregistered vehicle (no tag).
Running stop signs and lights.
[*] He does not use the streets or roads so this would not apply
Breaking curfew laws.
Creating a nuisance (all that clob clob clobing on the roof).
Failure to yield right of way.
[*] To whom?
Flying without a license.
Flying experimental aircraft without FAA approval.
[*] Experimental?  It's been flying for several hundred years.  I don't
think it's *experimental* anymore.
Failure to file a flight plan.
Invading restricted air space.
Spying (just how does he know who's naughty).
Peeking Tom (just how does he know who's naughty).
Invasion of Privacy. (Just how does he know who's naughty).
Slander and libel (the list of the naughty).
[*] It's not slander if it can be proven true and it's not libel unless he
publishes it and it can be proven true.
Smoking in Public places.
[*]  My home is NOT a *Public place*!
Using endangered species in commission of a crime.
[*] I didn't know reindeer were endangered.
Cruelty to animals (just how does he get them to fly).
[*] It's not cruelty if he makes use of an innate ability.
Cruelty to animals (just how does he get the nose to glow).
[*] See above.
Operating a charity without a permit.
Failure to declare income.
Failure to file income tax.
Failure to pay income tax. (Just where does he get the money for those
gifts)?
Income tax evasion.
[*] The North Pole is not part of the US, therefore Santa is not required to
file an income report.
Falsifying address (Yeah the North Pole)
Operating without a business license. (Where is this toyshop?).
[*] and just where would he apply for such a license?
Failure to comply with the Fair Labor Laws (only short elves hummm!)
Running a sweatshop. (The elves).
[*] It's *cold* up there - sweating can be a good thing
Illegal disposal of reindeer waste. (Oh no not my windows).
Illegal experimentation on animals (Again how does he get those reindeer to
fly.)
[*] See above.
Failure to pay Custom tax.
Illegal entry into the United States.
Illegal exit from the United States.
Posing a hazard to air navigation.
[*] NORAD keeps the airports/planes informed
Working illegally in the USA.
No Green Card.
No Visa (perhaps maybe a master card.)
Unsafe air transport vehicle (no running lights.)
Failure to file OSHA reports.
Failure to comply with OSHA regulations. (No hard hats in elves workshop).
[*] None needed as there is no heavy construction going on.
Illegal dumping of hazardous waste. (The constant dry-cleaning of his suit).
[*] Huh?
Failure to maintain a healthy weight. (CDC couch potato regs).
Failure to pay Social Security (for the elves.)
[*] Again, not covered by internal laws of the US.
Illegal possession of radar jamming equipment. (How does he avoid these
speed traps)?
[*]  Again, not a ground vehicle.
Illegal possession of sleath technology. (Why doesn't he show up on radar).
[*] He does.
Espionage (the stealth materials).
[*] See above
Various failures of IRS tax code for individual S Corporation and other
companies. (No W-2 to elves, No exemption paper work etc.)
Transportation of weapons across State lines during commission of crime.
(All the rifles and guns under the tree. ATF)
Bribery of public officials. (Congressmen still getting presents).
Illegal possession of firearms. (All the rifle and guns under the tree. ATF)
Transportation of alcohol beverages across State, National, Local lines.
(All the booze. ATF various State and local agencies)
Failure to pay taxes on alcoholic beverages. (Christmas Spirit ??)
Operating an illegal still. (All that ho ho hoing and the red nose?)
[*] Not subject to
Postal Fraud (right the North Pole and not giving the gifts ask for).
[*] It is not fraud to not give what is asked for, only not giving what is
promised.
Failure to comply with the Clean Air laws of State of California (reindeer
farts).
[*] I really don't think California regulates reindeer emissions.
Breaking copyrights and patent laws. (Making all that stuff without paying
royalties).
{Note Microsoft has class action against said individual for being an
unlicensed marketer.}
Willful destruction of forest (public and private). (All those Christmas
trees.)
Distillation and distribution of spirits. (ATF Just what is this Christmas
Spirit).
Operating a Closed shop. (Only elves???)
[*] He has also employed Brownies and a few pixies on occasion
Failure to pay Union dues. (The Teamsters).
[*] The North Pole has *Right to Work* clauses.
Failure to meet health codes. (All that food and Candy. Tofu Lobby).
Failure to meet health codes. (No temperature control in sleigh for food).
[*] Are you kidding?  It's got to be at least 20 below in the back of that
sleigh!
Endangerment of children (All the candy Tofu Lobby).
Endangerment of children (All those unsafe toys. Ex beach balls BB guns).
[*] Huh?  How can you put someone's eye out with a beach ball?
Endangerment of children (Second hand smoke. CDC and others).
Inflicting Gender Bias on children. (Barbie dolls and Easy bake ovens. NOW).
Illegal Transportation of plants into the United States. (The Christmas
trees, plants and wreaths).
Illegal Transportation of Drugs. ( Snow = cocaine. DEA.)
[*] Man, you are really reaching for it.
Wearing Fur and leather. (Green Peace. Just what type of fur is that lining
his clothes.)
[*] Uh huh. And just when are they going after the motorcycle gangs?
Food Code Violations (Sawdust in the cookies).
[*] Huh?
CIA Investigations (Something about Stealth Technology).
[*] See NORAD.
Failure to Supply Health Insurance. (The elves: injuries on the job. Lefty
the elf. Falling out of the sleigh while in flight, that explains where all
the little people come from.)
Inciting kids/adults to violate separation of church and state. (Singing
Christmas carols in schools and school projects).
[*] Excuse me.  Santa is a non-religious figure and does not endorse or
condemn any belief system.
Contempt of a Senate and Congress Investigation (Secret Hearing concerning
all the above).
Failure to obey presidential order.
Failure to obey noise abatement laws (all those take off and landings after
midnight).

This just in the law firm of
Scrooge, Marley, Grinch, and Spoilsport have offer to help proscute this
hideous criminal.

Call police on sight and do NOT try to apprendhen your self.

We take you now back to Atom films presents Thanskgiving Tautans.


Iaen Mor
Gate's Edge
Coastal Region Archery Marshal
iaenmor at swbell.net <mailto:iaenmor at swbell.net>