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<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2>I was just cleaning out my email messages........
(They've been there for way to long)............ I found this and thought of
Airaklee. He spent a little time last weekend telling me a few folks how
he will react when his soon-to-be-step-daughter starts to date......... this
sounds just like him</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2>Arabella</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV style="FONT: 10pt arial"><B>Subject:</B> dad's rules</DIV>
<DIV><BR></DIV>
<P><A name=_MailData><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule one:<BR>If you
pull into my driveway and honk your horn, you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.</FONT></A></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
two:<BR>You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove
them.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
three:<BR>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no in fact fall off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
four:<BR>I'm sure you've been told that in today's wold, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
five:<BR>It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and
the only word I need from you on this subject is EARLY.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
six:<BR>I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
seven:<BR>As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful
like changing the oil in my car?</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
eight:<BR>The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature
is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Old
folks homes are better.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
nine:<BR>Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But, on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2>Rule
ten:<BR>Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to you car--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflageds face at the window is mine.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face=Arial></FONT> <BR><FONT face=Arial> </FONT>
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