[Loch-ruadh] Good One

STEVE K ROURKE SROURKE at prodigy.net
Fri May 25 15:26:07 PDT 2001


My apologies but this was too good not to pass along. I came across it on
one of the many NGs I subscribe too.

DO YOU SUFFER FROM LITERATURE ABUSE?  TAKE THIS TEST AND FIND OUT!  How many
of these apply to you?

 1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
 2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
 3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
 4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
 5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being
seen.
 6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
 7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
 8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
 9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise
avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have
finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

 If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a
serious
problem. Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen
to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased
college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of
literature abusers is currently at record levels.

SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships.
They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of
friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in
awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they
become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive reading during
pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the
children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing.
Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone
to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.

HEREDITY
Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable
role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning
at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser
become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction
readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in
healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.

PREVENTION
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order
to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek
partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek
physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.

DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to
those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their
children
are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and
say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and
find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late. What
to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major - below are
notes that one family used when they discovered their daughter was becoming
a
Literature Abuser:

1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you
won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her
through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that
she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just
finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.

2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in
your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question--Who is
this Count Vronsky?

3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Introduce
her
to frat boys.

4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing
her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish.
Transfer her to a Florida college. You may be dealing with a
life-threatening
problem if one or more of the following applies:

 * She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
 * She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
 * Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner.

 Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or
someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature
Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.







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