[Loch-ruadh] Good One

[Julie Self]

I confess! I am an LA!
Gwenllian


>From: "STEVE K  ROURKE" <SROURKE at prodigy.net>
>Reply-To: loch-ruadh at ansteorra.org
>To: <acm-b at mail.military-brats.com>
>Subject: [Loch-ruadh] Good One
>Date: Fri, 25 May 2001 15:26:07 -0700
>
>My apologies but this was too good not to pass along. I came across it on
>one of the many NGs I subscribe too.
>
>DO YOU SUFFER FROM LITERATURE ABUSE?  TAKE THIS TEST AND FIND OUT!  How
>many
>of these apply to you?
>
>  1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
>  2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
>  3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
>  4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
>  5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without
>being
>seen.
>  6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read
>novels.
>  7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters
>speak.
>  8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
>  9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
>10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise
>avoid.
>11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have
>finished a novel.
>12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
>13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
>14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
>15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
>16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
>17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
>18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
>19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
>
>  If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a
>literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a
>serious
>problem. Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has
>risen
>to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased
>college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of
>literature abusers is currently at record levels.
>
>SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
>Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships.
>They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of
>friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading
>in
>awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they
>become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive reading during
>pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the
>children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing.
>Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone
>to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
>
>HEREDITY
>Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable
>role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
>Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often
>beginning
>at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser
>become abusers themselves.
>OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
>Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction
>readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate
>in
>healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
>
>PREVENTION
>Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
>order
>to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek
>partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek
>physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
>
>DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
>Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to
>those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
>literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their
>children
>are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and
>say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room
>and
>find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late. What
>to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major - below are
>notes that one family used when they discovered their daughter was becoming
>a
>Literature Abuser:
>
>1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you
>won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her
>through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that
>she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just
>finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
>
>2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in
>your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question--Who is
>this Count Vronsky?
>
>3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Introduce
>her
>to frat boys.
>
>4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing
>her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish.
>Transfer her to a Florida college. You may be dealing with a
>life-threatening
>problem if one or more of the following applies:
>
>  * She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
>  * She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
>  * Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner.
>
>  Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or
>someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature
>Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.
>
>
>
>
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