[Loch-ruadh] Fw: I thought it was Funny

STEVE K ROURKE SROURKE at prodigy.net
Mon Sep 10 00:58:11 PDT 2001



ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM:  Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:  Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:  Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:  You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT:  It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:  Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:  You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:  You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:  See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:  The drink is too weak.
ACTION:  Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:  Drink is just right.
ACTION:  Play air guitar.





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