[Loch-ruadh] Fw: A funny history lesson

[STEVE K ROURKE]

> I thought the group would appreciate a little history lesson from
> youngsters.  The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a
> History test.  Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the
> misspelling.
>
> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics.
> They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all
> the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>
> 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
> bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
> Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
>
> 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>
> 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't
> have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
>
> 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving  people
> advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After
> his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>
> 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
> threw the java.
>
> 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The
Ides
> of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
> Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
>
> 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
>
> 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success.
> When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
>
> (ed.:  Bwaaaahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!)
>
> 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
> removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
> circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
> invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
> world with a 100-foot clipper.
>
> 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  He
was
> born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money
> and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
> hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
>
> Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was
to
> be laid by Juliet.
>
> 12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
> Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
> Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
>
> 13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
> Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
> Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two
> cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
> Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>
> 14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother
> died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own
> hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
> Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
> and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They
> believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
> This ruined Booth's career.
>
> 15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
> number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept
> up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
> famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German,
half
> Italian, and half English. He was very large.
>
> 16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
> loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling
> for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
>
> 17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
> inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
> machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring
> up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
> hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
>
> 18. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
> Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
> Brothers.
>