[Loch-Ruadh] Fw: [Elfsea] FW: [Northshield]: A &S Report for 1 April good stuff, maynard!

[STEVE K ROURKE]

Edited to remove the D$#M carats


 This came from the Northshield list, via some other list, every Kingdom is
tagged.  Enjoy!

Forwarded from the Caid list.

 For those who have a habit of spitting drinkables over your computers,
please put down your drinks before you read this.  You have been warned.

Aurelia
-------------------------------------------------

Arts & Sciences Report of the Fool
April 1, AS XXXV

Policy Decisions:
It is not respectful to address the Ivy Queen of Arts as "The Virginia
Creeper" or any variant thereof.

Action Items:
The lawsuit against Amnesty International for copyright infringement by
their logo on the Badge of the Arts & Sciences has been filed. On a related
note, I need to petition for more funds.
Kingdom Items:
Aethelmearc:  To save time in the future, Master Cariadoc of the Bow has
been declared an official primary source.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Ansteorra:  Local members have been combining their research in the fields
of animal husbandry (specifically the bovine and equine varieties) and
cereal agriculture. The end product of this joint effort should be very
enlightening.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

An Tir:  After this weekend's successful Arts and Sciences Championship, His
Royal Majesty Davin has decided that all entrants for Crown Tourney in May
must be sponsored for entry in the Kingdom lists by a Laurel.   Although he
is sure the idea might meet some resistance, he is equally sure that he can
beat the living daylights out of any dissenters and then use their earthly
remains to burn and use the fat to make soap, which sounded like a really
fun thing to learn anyway.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Artemisia:  The A&S Competition has been revamped to be truly competitive.
The theme this year is "Best Garb/Worst Fabric Choice." Said garb must be of
the most stomach-churning kind, ie: a surcoat done in a caution-sign-orange
running suit fabric offset with red paisley-bandana knit polyester, over a
red-white-and-blue flower print polyester / lime green nylon particolor
cotehardie, with a periwinkle purple
acetate kirtle. Accessories will also be counted as part of the
package-stockings, jewelry, headdress, shoes, underpinnings, pouches, etc.
If the judges have to lie down with cold compresses after viewing said garb,
or if they faint away, extra points will be awarded.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Atenveldt: The Laurels are hard at work duct taping everything under the sun
in preparation for the upcoming camping season. The Chivalry has been seen
sparring with darning needles and thimbles. At a recent fighter practice a
group of Knights was asked to put down their needles and find their swords,
whereupon the comment was heard, "But I have to finish this for Coronation!"

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Atlantia:
Since the return to Atlantis, recent advances in the fields of alchemy have
shown great promise. Details on the successful reproduction of the
Rumpleskiltskin
effect will be appearing in an article in the next TI.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Caid:
Caid has decided to purchase a controlling interest in Paramount Studios.
Industry professionals will be replaced by Laurels and Knights, who will be
responsible for providing historically accurate clothing and choreographing
military scenes. There is
still some discussion about whether President of the Studio should be a
greater or lesser Officer of State.
Projects already in development include "Foot Traffic" and "Chocolat: Not
Period!"

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Calontir:  Last year's sales of the 36 volume set of the words to all the
Songs for Ceremonies was so popular that the Kingdom is going to perform and
record them all. They will be available on the very compact 27 CD set.  The
set will include a free tick collar.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Drachenwald:
A group of individuals with 15th century Italian personnae have been looking
into implementing their research of politics from that time frame.
There will shortly be a proposal to the Board regarding the creation of
several new city-states, large scale political dissent and unrest, and a
request to generate a set of guidelines which would outline the procedure
for the forcible transfer of land/population between neighbouring political
entities (kingdom, shire, city-state, et al.).

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Ealdormere:
Having not had a name for the A&S award of arms since the conception of the
Kingdom of Ealdormere, if the name of "Trillium's Flame" does not pass
through the
college of heralds, plans have been made to resubmit it as  "Trillium
Herald's Flame" as the Trillium Herald is burned in effigy.

The Sisters of St. Brand are currently working on creating reliquaries of
suitable majesty to house the glorious relics of their chosen Saint. They
are also following the aforementioned Saint around, waiting for more things
to drop off of him. His Royal Highness Roak has found a set of magical
gauntlets that aid him in his thieving abilities.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

East:  The East and The Midrealm have decided to end years of hostility and
merge.  Unfortunately, they cannot agree on the new Kingdom name and will
meet in an A&S Competition next August to "settle the matter once and for
all."  Early predictions call for both sides to lose and the new Kingdom
will be called
"Pittsburghlan."

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Meridies:
Meridian A&S rules have been completely overhauled. Entrants must now pay an
entry fee of one hundred dollars to enter. Documentation must now have at
least twelve primary resources, and consist of no less than 50 pages.  Any
entry not using 100% authentic materials will be burned.  Performers who do
not dress to match the region and timeframe of their entry will also be
burned. Scores will be determined by throwing darts at a dart board.
Strangely enough, the judges are now complaining that they don't have enough
to judge at the faire now. You just can't satisfy some people.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Middle:
Ragnvalder, the former King of the Middle, had decided to pardon all
previous displayers of bad garb in the few hours before he stepped down as
King, so the Curia is holding committee meetings to decide if they should
take action against the Count for such bad personal judgment, wondering what
compensation he
received from bad costumers toward the upkeep of Ragnvalder County.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Outlands:
Outlands is revamping their A&S structure to include a judging penalty to
all left-handed redheads.

This office will be realigning the Kingdom borders now that the new census
is out. Artemisia acquires Denver and Outlands parts north because they are
cool. In
compensation, Outlands will receive what's left of the Mir space station. It
will be carried around in a coffee can by all Royalty henceforth.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Trimaris:
The judging sheets for Kingdom A&S were counted, then recounted, then
counted backwards, then counted using new math, then counted using reverse
polish notation, then counted in hebrew, then counted on abacii, then
counted underwater, then counted in the dark, then counted in the park, then
counted with a brew, then
counted at the zoo. I do not like recounting for Mistress Ro, I do not like
it how I know! The final determination was that Ralph Nader is the new
Kingdom A&S Champion.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

West:
Participation in the Arts & Sciences is way up in the West Kingdom due to
the statewide power outage in California. Following Governor Davis' latest
failed
negotiations with the power industry, the populace of the central kingdom
has banded together to form a self-sufficient commune.  While the mundane
culture
rapidly falls victim to violence and deprivation, the SCA continues to
thrive. The Pelicans are organizing facilities and supplies, the Chivalry
has secured an armed perimeter around the compound, and the Laurels are
exploring period water purification techniques.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Commendations:
This year's report was a collaboration with all my Kingdom Officers, who
deserve to share equally in any repercussions.

On a related note, I need to petition for more funds.

Publishable Report Summary:
Heralds be damned! It is the Arts Officers who caretake all the wit in the
Society!

With tongue firmly in cheek,

Mistress Rowena of Avalon, Hedera Helix Plectranthus
Nummularius, Laurus Nobilis
Ivy Queen of Arts


=====
Domina Aurelia Rufinia
House Iron Maiden, Barony of Nordskogen
Principality of Northshield, Middle Kingdom

"Don't play dumb with me."
"No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart."