[Loch-Ruadh] Fwd: [Gleann Abhann] OT Hurricane (jokes)

[Julie Self]

>From: "Cynthia (Ambrielle) Gibson" <ambrielle01 at hotmail.com>
>To: abney at nsula.edu, barbara at unclejohns.com, zigzag8585 at hotmail.com,
>batuthemongol at hotmail.com, boogie at softdisk.com, cleopatra00 at hotmail.com,
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>Subject: Fwd: [Gleann Abhann] OT Hurricane (jokes)
>Date: Wed, 02 Oct 2002 13:38:03 +0000
>
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>>From: "Pafra & Scott Catledge" <scplc at i-55.com>
>>Reply-To: gleannabhann at yahoogroups.com
>>To: <gleannabhann at yahoogroups.com>
>>Subject: [Gleann Abhann] OT Hurricane (jokes)
>>Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 21:31:06 -0500
>>
>>Saw this on another list and just had to pass it on, it's so funny but
>>true. Sorry for being OT.
>>Lady Lucia B.
>> > From: Alan Stauder
>> >> To ex-Louisianans, present Louisianans, and future Louisianans:
>> >
>> > Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes
>> >
>> > We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
>> > you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
>> > some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic
>> > meteorological points:
>> > (1) There is no need to panic.
>> > (2) We could all be killed.
>> >
>> > Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're
>> > new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
>> > prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
>> >
>> > Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
>> > three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
>> > STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
>> > least three days.
>> > STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
>> > STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
>> >
>> > Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
>> > sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
>> > We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
>>items:
>> >
>> > HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
>> > If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
>> > insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two
>>basic
>> > requirements:
>> > (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
>> > (2) It is located in Nebraska.
>> > Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other
>> > area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
>>companies
>> > would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
>> > might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
>>got
>> > into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
>>scrounge
>> > around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual
>>premium
>> > roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment,
>> > this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane
>>George, I
>> > have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week,
>> > I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy
>> > which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
>>entitled,
>> > on demand, to my kidneys.
>> >
>> > SHUTTERS:
>> > Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
>> > doors, and--if it's a major hurricane--all the toilets. There are
>> > several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
>> >
>> > Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
>> > yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
>>them
>> > yourself, they will fall off.
>> >
>> > Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
>> > get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
>>your
>> > hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
>> >
>> > Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
>> > and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
>>will
>> > have to sell your house to pay for them.
>> >
>> > "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
>> > protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
>> > hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
>> > He lives in Nebraska.
>> >
>> > HURRICANE-PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
>> > As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
>> > barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.
>> > You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
>>(if
>> > you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
>> > Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
>> > missiles.
>> >
>> > EVACUATION ROUTE:
>> > If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
>> > planned out (to determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
>> > your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana", you live in a low-lying
>> > area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
>> > trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
>> > trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
>>with two
>> > hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be
>>lonely.
>> >
>> > HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
>> > If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
>> > them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last
>>possible
>> > minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
>> > strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
>> > In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
>> > 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
>> > power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
>> > Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
>> > bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!).
>> > A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
>> > A big knife that you can strap to your leg (this will be useless in a
>> > hurricane, but it looks cool).
>> > A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (ask anybody
>> > who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
>> > alligators).
>> > $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
>>can
>> > buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
>> > Of course these are just basic precautions.
>> >
>> > As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
>>abreast of
>> > the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters
>>in rain
>> > slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
>>vitally
>> > important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
>> >
>> > Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
>>
>
>
>
>
>~Everything I am today I owe to yesterday.~
>
>




Loch Ruadh Rocks!!


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