[Loch-Ruadh] How to simulate Life in the US Navy

[giles nemeton]

Personally I found that a stimulating bit of
nostalgia.......BUT, who goes out for ONLY six months,
coasties?..........; )

he left out putting a drop of kerosene in each cup of
coffee so that it tastes 'right'.....

cian
who spent some little while in the canoe club
.........; )

--- George & Pamela <sidhe01 at swbell.net> wrote:
> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
> --
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> Greetings All
>
> Got this from a friend (retired Navy)  WHo really
> has a sick sense of humor.  Ain't a fond memory
> (well maybe the one about beer and the European red
> light district) in the bunch.
>
> But it is close to Life in Uncle Sams Canoe Club
>
> Alaric
>
> 1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for
> 6 months straight.
>
> 2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house
> on the outside of the walls.
> 3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your
> basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the
> basement "deck gray."
> 4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best
> clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the
> most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer
> until you're hammered, then walk home in the
> freezing cold.
> 5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of
> your lawnmower.
> 6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your
> water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday
> and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
> Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family
> that they used too much water during the week, so
> all showering is secured.
> 7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
> 8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day
> at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller
> could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all
> hands heave out and trice up".
> 9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything
> she's going to do the following day, then have her
> make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it
> to you.
> 10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for
> three days straight, then lock yourself out of the
> bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign On the door
> that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."
> 11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law,
> asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before
> 3pm.
> 12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to
> come over, then board up all the windows and doors
> to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is
> up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and
> family through the front window of your home...you
> can't leave until the next day, sorry, you have the
> duty.
> 13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
> 14. Make your family qualify to operate all the
> appliances in your home (i.e., Dishwasher operator,
> blender technician, etc).
> 15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the
> tire pressure every 15 minutes.
> 16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours
> before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine
> is properly "lighted off."
> 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and
> sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need
> it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean
> sweep down fore and aft, empty all trashcans over
> the fantail).
> 18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
> 19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for
> any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
> 20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per
> pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before
> drinking.
> 21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a
> month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every
> 5th item.
> 22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV,
> but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
> 23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies
> which are played in the middle of the night. Have
> the family vote on which movie to watch and then
> show a different one.
> 24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut
> with goat shears.
> 25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
> 26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of
> Europe, and call it "world travel."
> 27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds,
> and NOT get promoted.
> 28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from
> stepping on the dead bodies of your coworkers.
> 29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house
> after your neighbors have gone to bed.
> 30. When your children are in bed, run into their
> room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your
> lungs that your home is under attack, and order them
> to man their battle stations. ("General quarters,
> general quarters, all hands man your battle
> stations")
> 31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and
> do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
> 32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing
> your family you are having steak for dinner. Then
> make them wait in line for at least an hour, when
> they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you
> are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot
> dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to
> the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
> 33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan
> while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick
> to level it off.
> 34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the
> end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches
> at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
> 35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for
> 6 weeks. Then tell them at the end of the 6th week
> you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend
> liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around,
> inform them Disneyland has been canceled due to the
> fact
> they need to get ready for
> Engineering-certification, and that it will be
> another week before they can leave the house.
> 36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with
> 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite par. 12)
> regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
> 37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the
> closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open
> the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She
> should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and
> mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
> 38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the
> middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to
> chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
> shut off the water while you soap down.
> 39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find
> a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can
> until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale
> crackers in your shirt pocket.
> 40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on
> high.
> 41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower
> running in your living room eight hours a day.
> 42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
> 43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your
> chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto
> your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
> 44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer
> and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the
> roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore
> his complaints.
> 45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
> 46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a
> week. Store the garbage on the other side of your
> bathtub.
> 47. Get up every night around midnight and have a
> peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
> 48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during
> the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you
> can making sure you button up the top button on your
> shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into
> the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
> 49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart
> and put them back together again.
> 50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee
> table and then get under it and read books.
> 51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of
> your front and back doors so you either trip or bang
> your head every time you pass through one of them.
> 52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and
> shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into
> the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the
> counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having
> the kitchen "stowed for sea."
> 53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but
> don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your
> neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove.
> Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and
> ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say
> again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll
> up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a
> box.
>
>
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>
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