[Loch-Ruadh] The Stance (rather long but comical)
Kathy Varner
dkv250 at msn.com
Fri Sep 17 09:30:04 PDT 2004
> Only a woman will TRULY relate to the following, but it's a "hoot" for
>all!
>
> My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.
> As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up
toilet
>paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper
>to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public
>toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of
>balancing over the toilet in a sitting
> position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with
>the toilet seat.
>
> But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.
> That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years,
> "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder
>is especially full.
> When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women
>that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in
>there.
> So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing
>their legs and smiling politely.
> And you finally get closer.
> You check for feet under the stall doors.
> Every one is occupied.
> Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the
woman
>leaving the stall.
> You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
> You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume
>"The Stance."
>Relief. More relief.
>Then your thighs begin to shake.
> You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
>seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as
> your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the
>Richter scale.
>To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper.
>The toilet paper dispenser is empty.
>Your thighs shake more.
>You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your
>purse.
> It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way
> possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
> Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and
>your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as
> you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and Falling
>backward, directly onto the toilet seat.
>You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has
> made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because
>YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any,
> even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly
ashamed
>of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a
> public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of
>diseases you could get."
> And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
> toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water
akin
>to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with
> such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
>being dragged to China.
> At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.
>You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in
>your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
>You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the
> automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper
> towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and
>unable to smile politely at this point.
>One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing
>a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the
> Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the
> woman's hand and say warmly, "Here, you might need this."
>At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his
>bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting
> for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you
>kick him sharply in the shin and go home.
>This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with
a
>public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so
>long.
>Women go in pairs, so the other woman can hold the door and hand you
>Kleenex
>
>
>
>
>---------------------------------
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