[Loch-Ruadh] Holiday eating tips

[erinn holloway]

Holiday Eating Tips:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink
up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano
out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat
the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when
you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that
vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When
else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded
with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it
at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the
corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
-- H. Jackson Brown

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