[Loch-Ruadh] Fw: This Weeks Medieval Job Vacancies

[Steve K. Rourke]

Again shamelessly forwarded from another list. For some I would take the
disclaimer seriously.


Disclaimer - for those with a weak heart or constitution, do not
continue reading. I apologise for some of the phrasing.

For the rest of us....read on......

Position 1 - Fish Wife
Are you a woman thinking of getting into the commercial fish
business? Which of the following sales techniques would suit you?
A 'Excuse me, madam, would you like to buy some fish? We've got a
great offer on trout today.'
B 'I said . would you like to buy some fish, you whoremongering
stinking cutpurse, mother of an imbecile?'
If you choose technique B, we have just the job for you. Welcome to
the world of fishwifery. Now you can verbally abuse your neighbours
while making a good living at the fish markets.
However, although hours of pleasure can be obtained from expressing
all those pent-up emotions, applicants should be advised that
retribution can be severe. Neighbours are at liberty to teach you to
hold your tongue by forcing you to wear the scold's bridle or brank -
 a metal cage for the head with a built-in gag. Some models have
spikes that pierce the tongue and some have bells to draw notice to
the scold. You are paraded through the streets, which will echo with
the sound of your neighbours' jeers and taunts.
Naturally the moment the bridle is taken off, the more spirited of
you will let rip a stream of abuse. This, however, can lead to a
session on the ducking stool. You are strapped into a seat that is
hung from the end of a free-moving arm. At the whim of the
operators, you are then dunked into a river or pond once or twice or
all day, in front of yet another jeering crowd.
This will almost certainly convince you that a quiet, unassuming
lifestyle is for you. However, if you still fancy shouting every now
and then, you can always become a member of that jeering crowd.

Position 2 - Woad Dyer
Welcome to the world of woad - an invasive weed that, with a few
simple pieces of equipment, fermented urine and wheat bran, can
transform your world. Why not try your hand at woad processing and
dyeing and discover a blue tone last used as body paint by the Picts
in Roman Britain?
We are reliably informed that a poor sense of smell, or no sense of
smell at all, would be a definite advantage in this job, unless you
are one of those who find the aroma of cabbage mixed with excrement
and cat wee particularly appealing. A desire to live outside the
city walls, whence you and all your fellow workers will be banished,
would also be a plus. This stuff stinks, but where there's muck,
there's brass.

Position 3 - Groom of the Stool
Attention all ambitious noblemen! Following the untimely death of
Sir Henry Norris, a new groom of the stool is required by Henry
VIII. The primary duty of the groom is to see 'the house of easement
be sweet and clear' or, more plainly, to clean the royal rear and
privy.
It's always interesting to look at your own stool but imagine
looking at the king's and laying it in a dish. As for wiping - with
the hands: there is no toilet paper at the Tudor court - just try
not to think of the meat-heavy diet of the big man.
This is a challenging position for someone looking for exciting
openings, for whom no job is to too big or small. It's a coveted
position - no one else will be so often alone with His Royal
Highness, so although you will be dealing with number twos, you will
be number one in the privy chamber.

Note: Stangely enough, these are all genuine period positions. Sorry
again !!!!




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