[Namron] A humorous look...

[Ulf Gunnarsson]

A version of this was sent to the Minstrel list recently.  I'm listing the
original, which appears at
http://www.routiers.org/scahist.htm
The Routiers have much to say about the SCA, most of it not nice, as they
are authenticity buffs of an extremely narrow time period.  Some of their
complaints really are things we should fix in our game, but some of their
complaints I can only take as complements.  This little gem, though, is just
too hilarious, so read and enjoy...

Oh, and please don't flame the Routiers.  They do what they do, and we do
what we do, and we both have fun.

Ulfie
(who has really big horns, forsooth... ugg)
_______________________________________

An SCA History of the
Entire Known World
by
Sir Batshit ap Llewellyn FitzDogroot of Frontbottom
translated from the Forsooth with some difficulty by Greg Lindool*

This article originally appeared in a slightly different form in The
National Routier.

October 29th, 4004 BC, 9.00am
Creation of the universe.

Fifteen nanoseconds later
Creation of the first Lycra.

Early Periods.
Nothing happened at this time

The Ancient Period (400 BC to 300 AD)
There were a few Romans and some Samurai, but not much else.

The Dark and Barbarous Ages (300 AD to 1200 AD)
This was a very uncourtly period. Everyone wore furs and bikinis made of
wolfskins and mail. No armour was ever worn apart from helmets with horns on
them. The guy with the biggest horns on his helmet was the chief. Really
powerful chiefs had huge horns, like whole moose antlers on their helmets,
and they had to get two other guys to follow them around to help hold their
heads up. You had to have horns on your helmet to let other people know you
were chief, because no-one could speak in this period, though they could
make grunting noises. The main economic activity was breaking things and the
main past-time was pillaging.

The only exceptions to these rules were the Vikings. They were more like
medieval people, except they hadn't learned to wear Lycra yet. They could
speak forsooth though, and were quite courteous. Famous personalities in
this period include Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Destroyer, Conan the
Conqueror and Hägar the Horrible. Irongron Skullsplitter may have lived in
this period, but he is more likely to have been a myth. His sword
Blood-drinker is definitely a myth - just ask Steve Hand.

The Middle Ages (1200 AD to the Present Day)
This period began when some unknown genius discovered how to make tights out
of Lycra. The whole of human civilisation was transformed almost overnight
by this discovery, a new dawn of the human spirit broke on the horizon of
barbarism and a great renaissance of discovery and wild invention began.

Following hot on the heels of the discovery of Lycra tights came the first
rattan cane swords. These were very fairly primitive instruments, until Lord
Rabbitfart von Backbosom discovered silver duct tape, which made rattan
swords look much more shiny and clean. More discoveries followed in rapid
succession, rubber chicken heads to adorn knightly helms (1253 AD), ugg
boots (1301 AD), hot pink crushed velvet for robes (1324 AD) and, finally,
plastic pickle barrels for making armour out of (1350 AD).

With the technological advent of plastic pickle-barrel armour, the age of
chivalry dawned and has continued ever since. Plastic armour and, to a
lesser extent carpet armour, transformed the fighting field in the same way
lycra transformed the feast hall. Now everybody could be chivalrous to
everybody else. Every one was everyone else's lord or lady, regardless of
the rules of logic, and all peasants promptly disappeared.

These civilising inventions soon transformed the political system. The
primitive tribal structure of guys with big horns on their helmets was soon
replaced by a new and much more shiny medieval system. To express it simply,
all belted fighters of a given kingdom/principate or autonomous ducal or
sub-ducal area, given that their armour and other fighting-associated,
body-attached equipment had been assessed and deemed worthy by the seventeen
committees and sub-committees of the Marshals-in-Chief and sub-principiate
Marshals-in-not-so-Chief, and that they had signed the 72 page waiver
documents in the still steaming blood of their first born child, could do
battle with shiny duct-tape covered rattan (of approved diameter) for the
honour of their lady/lord/same gendered significant other/trans-gendered
co-equal lifestyle sharing but socially uninhibited partner. The object of
this chivalrous and courteous combat was to hit the living bejesus out of
his/her/their most esteemed and honoured opponent, but not to touch the
hands, groin, knees, lower legs, elbows, hipjoints, pancreas, endocrine
system, coccyx or brain. When a round robin, elimination style, back to back
series of combats had been run in full rotation forty three times, the
remaining combatants were then to fight another one on one, all-in,
elimination series, before casting lots with the jawbone of an ass to see
who was to observe the flight of passing birds and thus figure out who was
to fight the final seven score and fifty combats.

The winner was declared king.

The king, of course, then ruled with absolute power alongside his
lady/lord/same gendered significant other/trans-gendered co-equal lifestyle
sharing but socially uninhibited partner, though he could not make any laws,
edicts, promulgations or articles which may (or may not) infringe in any way
the right of another man, woman, child, or multi-gendered elf-like creature
to do anything they may have liked to do if they had a mind to act in that
way, nor could they stop anyone from being as Californian as they wanted
They also only ruled for six months and then the whole process started all
over again. See, isn't that simple? It's small wonder everyone in the Middle
Ages was/is so happy.

Conclusion
So, now you know all about the Middle Ages. Some may try and tell you it
wasn't like that at all, but to that I would reply 'Prove it wasn't. After
all, it might have been, and you can't trust what historians say because
they're just stuffy academics who spend all their time reading dumb books,
instead of living their dreams like me. You have to live your dreams to
understand the Middle Ages. And if we all close our eyes really, really
tight and wish really, really hard maybe we can believe that history wasn't
as it was, but as it should have been. Or as Science Fiction fans and
trekkies from California thought it should have been anyway. And maybe we
can believe that elves exist. And dragons! And hobbits!! And maybe I can
have that pet unicorn I've always wanted! And maybe we can fly with the
aliens to Alpha Centauri on magic dolphins! And maybe ... oh dear, here they
come again to hold me down and give me some more injections. Time to sleep,
time to sleep ....'

(Here the manuscript breaks off. Ed)

* "Greg Lindool" is the wholly fictitious pseudonym of this writer.
No similarities with anyone having the same or a similar name are
intended or are to be implied.