[NR] Press Release: RE: WE'VE BEEN CHALKED

[Alexander Ravenshaw]

For Immediate Release:

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    Alexander Ravenshaw Here, President and Founder of "Honest Alex's
Wholesale Sidewalk Chalk, Inc." with a brief statement on today's news.
    We would like to first and foremost deny any connection with the party,
or parties involved in this unfortunate incident. While we do regret the
fact that our fine and quality product was used, we can not control how our
product is used. It is unfortunate that such a noble household was
vandalized, and we have taken the following steps in order to assure our
product is used in the manor in which it was intended.
    1. There will now be a mandatory five day waiting period on all chalk
sales.
    2. Persons wishing to purchase chalk will undergo a mandatory background
check.
    3. Anyone who uses the phrase "okokokokokokokok.. So like..." in any
fashion will be denied service on the spot.
    4. Anyone who believes Lutfisk is a valid food will be denied service on
principle.
    Again, we thank you for your patronage and look forward to serving the
populace in the future.

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