[NR] Memories, apologies, wishes, and a challenge

[Marc Carlson]

Leslie Miller wrote:
> My memories as I look back over a decade and a half in the
> SCA are somewhat bittersweet...

Your Excellency,
Once upon a time, when I was far more active in places like the
Rialto, this very topic came up, and I wrote a pithy piece called
"the Wall". Unfortunately, I can't find that article in the
archives
anywhere, although I can find a number of the responses to it :(

Essentially, though, what I referred to them was "The Wall" that
most
of us hit a time or two -- and frequently those of us who play
hardest
hit that wall harder than most.  Some people refer to it as "burn
out"
and that's as good a name as any I suppose.

What is very hard to see when that happens is that we are not
alone
in it.  As I said, we all feel this way sometimes, and some of us
manage to get there more than once.  Instead of wallowing in
recrimination
and fault finding, as far to many of us do, you have taken the
opportunity
to share your feelings without blame.   I'm sure that others can,
and
perhaps should, share the same with you.

I know that for myself, because my "dream" differs from that held
by most people in the Society, it is very easy for me to become
very discouraged by that solitude.  For the record, in case
people
aren't aware of it, my "Dream" is historical accuracy and
accurate
education.  This solitude is made worse because my goals are so
different, my actions and statements are all too often
misunderstood
which, to be blunt, frustrates the crap out of me (there are, in
fact,
people who have accused me of being political self-serving and
power mongering, which baffles me completely).  But clearly that
is my problem, not that of those people who apparently don't know
me.

My response to this has been to withdraw, and to focus solely on
those
things that interest me, and ignore pretty much everything else.
And
until recently that's been enough for me -- lately, I've been
reminded
that there are other things in the Society that have been
important
to me over the years -- things like supporting my local group in
times of trouble :)  I'm not going suggest you do that - exactly.

The obvious choices in your position is to do what far too many
others
have done in similar positions -- leave.  I myself might have
done so
had my wife not made me promise to not give up on the Society
completely.

What you might try doing, though, is step back and re-evaluate.
Think
about what was important to you, what was fun to you?  Do those
things.
and try to overlook those other things that cause you pain.  It's
difficult when you see the "dream" you believe in being
threatened by
people who don't play your game, your friends being injured by
one thing
or another.  But you can't change those people -- all you can do
is
change yourself.

I remember that goofy young lady who needed lessons in how to
wear a
dress, and the pleasure she took in seeing people who she really
cared
about, and really enjoyed doing dopey things like fighting when
her
doctor told her not to :)  As I recall, she enjoyed a lot more of
the
simple things -- perhaps you might try returning to those.

Just remember that you aren't alone in this.

Personally, this last Castellan, as unpleasant as some aspects
were,
was, for me, the most "fun" I've had at an event in *years*.
It's taken
a long time to get back to that, but I would like to think it was
worth it.

Marc/Diarmaid