[NR] Memories, apologies, wishes, and a challenge

[marc-carlson at utulsa.edu]

On 4 Jun 01, at 23:51, Marc Carlson wrote:
> Once upon a time, when I was far more active in places like the
> Rialto, this very topic came up, and I wrote a pithy piece called
> "the Wall". Unfortunately, I can't find that article in the
> archives
> anywhere, although I can find a number of the responses to it :(

This was dug out of the Rialto Archive by Emma, and I am supremely
greatful.  I offer it here with the hope that it might do some good:
======================================================
From: Marc Carlson (IMC at vax2.utulsa.EDU)
 Subject: The Wall
 Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
 Date: 1996/03/25

I was recently reading an old copy of _Sky and Telescope_ when I
ran across a copy of an editorial titled "Walls of Amateur
Astronomy" (March 1995, Gary Likert) that itself referred to a BBS
letter from a gentleman named Poole, and after reading it I felt
that what it had to say was as important for many of us here and in
related groups, as it was for amateur astronomers.

The "Walls" it referred to were those the walls that comprised the
vast prison of amateur Burnout.  This is, should there be any of us
here who have never experienced it, the condition that occurs when
the flesh is willing, but the spirit is overwhelmed by questions
like "why bother?", "who cares?", and so forth.  For some of us,
this prison locks us away from the hobby, the group, the friends we
had once enjoyed so much.

These walls include, but are not restricted to the Wall of
Equipment ("I need to improve my equipment/kit, but it's going to
be a lot of bother"); the Wall of Money ("Oh God, it's going to be
a lot of money"); "The Wall of Age and Health" (I'm too old to do
that, or too infirm to get involved"); and in the SCA I have seen
the Wall of Politics ("THEY are just SO political, always fighting
and backstabbing"); the Wall of Uncaring ("Nobody seems to care or
notice what I've done"); which is related to the Wall of the
Uncaring Other ("But *THEY* don't care"); the Wall of Authenticity
("no matter what I do, I will never be absolutely accurate"), which
the editorial actually refers to as the Wall of Aperture; the Dead
End Wall ("Ok, I'm a X (Peer/Laurel/AoA/whatever now.") and finally
the Wall of Disregard ("No matter what I do, *someone* will have
something negative to say, usually while trying to build up their
own ego") leading to the Wall of Angry Response.  ALL of these
statements are eventually followed by "so why bother?".  I know
there are more walls out there, but I'm not sure how people have or
can overcome them.

Most new people who enter the Society are *full* of enthusiasm, but
gradually they are worn down by being "not noticed" by others, or
by others actively putting them down and their efforts.  *THIS* is
the origin of the Walls of Defensiveness guarded by the legions of
anti-Authenticity police, threatening to stomp on any who look like
they might be approaching with something new and different, or with
something that looks like what they've been beaten with before.

Others begin to notice that while *THEY*'ve been doing the dishes
trudging along unnoticed, many others, some newer than they are,
are sitting on their fat rears, getting awards, and stuff.  Related
to them are those people who bust there humps to create absolutely
authentic clothing, food, etc. and have it passed over in contests
by judges who think that the Chocolate cake, the flashy looking
late period gown, or whatever is more desirable.

Others eventually get sucked into the self-aggrandizing games
played by the pathetic few parasites who infest any social
organization (We Know who they are -- we don't really need examples
here do we?).

Have I described you yet?  Anyone you know?

Every one of these "Walls" we hit is either overcome, often
teaching us bitter lessons that we turn around and teach to newer
people (such as acting "in persona" makes you look stupid because
you do it badly, thereby embarassing us in public), or we leave to
play elsewhere because of the (to quote a recent thread) "My way or
the Highway" attitude that others have learned through bitter
experience.

So, an I suggesting that those of us who are "guilty" of doing
these things (and I suspect that we've ALL done some of these
things one time or another -- I know I have) need to change our
behavior?  Nope, or at least not if you don't want to.  We burn out
because *we do it to ourselves*.  Certainly it would be nice if the
other motivations weren't there, but it's stupid to try and blame
our own self-sabotaging doubts on other people.  It would be nice if
there were no Rhino-hiders out there, but as long as important,
influental people are doing it, that's what the new people are going
to learn is "The" correct way to do things.  It's a fact of life,
it's not likely to change in the near future. That's why I want
to know how those people who have overcome these and other Walls, have
done so.

In my case, I suffered early on from the Political BS around me and
a strong case of the "lack of recognition blues" that were only
overcome by *YEARS* as a peripheral player (only staying in at all
because of my wife).  I have overcome those by finding something to
work towards that I can reward myself for doing, that is
continually improving my level of authenticity.  While I enjoy the
occasional pats on the back, those really aren't my basic
motivators.

Last year, I once again hit the wall of Political BS, although it
had more to do with the often-openly adversarial nature of this
newsgroup, with some serious mundane "lack of recognition blues".
I haven't overcome the mundane ones yes, but am still slugging away
at them, but I have determined for the moment that if this is "The
Game" is played here, then perhaps that can be changed by example.
That way, I only have to worry about how *I* feel about what I am
doing.

Anybody else?

(Oh, and just as a note to those of you who are about to flame me
for any of this, I have two suggestions.  The first is to wait a
day and then re-read it, just to see if you *really* wanted to hit
me with your criticisms, and the second is to re-read the last
paragraph and see if I'm really going to care :) )

"Authenticity is not a matter     Diarmuit Ui Dhuinn
 of money, but of time"           University of Northkeep/Company of St. Jude
 -- Unknown Recreator             Northkeepshire, Ansteorra
                                  (I. Marc Carlson