No subject

[Random at trouble.org]

> Associate Owner's Manual : Complete information on raising
> and caring for your Associate, no matter what breed. / By Mistress
> NoProblem and Sir Polearm With assistance from Master Inky Fingers
>
>        Introduction
>
>   Congratulations! You are the proud owner of an associate, (or two or
> three ....). Whether you are a Knight, Laurel or Pelican, this is the
> book for you. If you are a new Peer and have just begun to think about
> taking associates you might want to read this book in its entirety. If
> you are an experienced associate owner that is experiencing problems with
> your associate you  may skip to
> the section that applies.
>
>        General Description
>
>   Associates first seem to be honest, trustworthy, thrifty, local and
> kind, but you will soon find out that they have some undesirable habits
> and must be housebroken. You will notice that they are often completely
> clueless, especially when being introduced to someone you most want to
> impress.
>    Owning an associate can be thrilling, fun and rewarding. It can also
> be frightening, exhausting and time consuming.
>
>  WARNING: TAKING AN ASSOCIATE
> MOST OFTEN MEANS YOU HAVE ALSO GAINED THEIR ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD. IF BEING
> CALLED GRANDMA OR GRANDPA BY SOMEONE WHO LOOKS OLDER THAN YOUR MOTHER'S
> UNDERWEAR BOTHERS YOU, RECONSIDER ASSOCIATE OWNERSHIP!
>
>       General Care and Feeding
>
>   In most cases, you will find that the associate you have chosen has
> only the most rudimentary training, so you must supplement this with the
> training necessary for them to function in polite society. This training
> consists of Discipline, Table Manners, and Court Etiquette.
>
>       Discipline
>
>   This is the most necessary item in your associate's development -
> learning who is master and must be handled with care to prevent breaking
> its spirit. When a associate first misbehaves, slap it firmly on the nose
> while saying, "No, No! Bad (Squire, Apprentice, Protege)". If this
> unacceptable behavior continues, stronger measures may be necessary. One
> Peer's method is to pick it up by the scruff of the neck, shake it till
> its eyes rattle, then throw it against the wall. This method has been
> highly recommended and is very effective.
>
>  WARNING: DO NOT UNDER ANY
> CIRCUMSTANCES BEAT SQUIRES AS THEY ONLY ENJOY IT.
>
>       Table Manners
>
>   Associates have notoriously bad table manners and may have to be
> retrained from scratch. A bib is usually necessary until they acquire
> some basic skills. Once these skills have been learned, you may decide to
> let your associate sit at the table on a trial basis.
> WARNING: DO NOT LET YOUR
> ASSOCIATES SIT WITH YOU IF YOU ARE AT A MODERN RESTAURANT! THEY WILL
> THROW
> THEIR FOOD, MAKE RUDE COMMENTS TO THE WAIT STAFF AND STICK YOU WITH THE
> BILL!
>
>       Court Etiquette
>
>   Teaching your associate to behave in court is the most difficult, if
> not impossible task you will face. They are prone to sudden outbursts,
> having nothing to do with what is going on in court, and will utterly
> embarrass you. It is your responsibility to alter this behavior, if you
> can. Refer to the section on Discipline for proper methods of
> instruction. In severe cases, refer to the chapter on Diseases,
> particularly Hoof in Mouth Disease. If you manage to train them to sit
> quietly and attentively during court, congratulate yourself.
>
>  WARNING: PELICANS MUST SEARCH THEIR
> ASSOCIATES BEFORE EACH COURT.
>
>  Protegees are easily bored and tend to hide bubbles, rubber bands and
> spit wads for their entertainment during court.
>
>        Feeding Habits
>
>   Most associates will consume vast quantities of anything, except in
> some cases where they have an aversion to liver or green things. You must
> be careful not to overfeed your associate as it will eat everything
> placed before it until it bursts, and then you will have to clean up the
> mess.
>    Squires will consume all the beer in any cooler they can find. It is
> best to have two coolers. One in plain sight that contains cheap nasty
> beer. The cooler holding your beer should be hidden carefully under your
> bed wrapped in a chain with a STRONG lock.
>    Apprentices favorite beverages involve portable blenders, fruit, ice
> and rum. On cold days these may be replaced with Irish coffee. Food must
> be prepared in a manor that can not possible harm their newest, outfit,
> scroll, commission, etc.
>    Proteges will eat anything that can be consumed quickly and on the
> run. Their preferred drink is strong coffee and always keep LOTS of
> chocolate on hand for emergencies.
>
>        Fantasies
>
>    Most associates have harmless fantasies of someday obtaining the rank
> of Peer (except Proteges who, as everyone knows, are masochists,
> convinced that they will never be worthy of elevation) ; these are normal
> and should be encouraged. However, some fantasies are totally unrealistic
> and sick.  Fantasies which include killing the other sides Kings on the
> field at  Pennsic, completely carving new thrones in two weeks time, and
> autocrating
> Pennsic/Lillies should be discouraged.
>    If any evidence of such abnormal fantasies should appear, drastic
> measures may be necessary such as making them listen to the top ten Irish
> hits by Slim Whitman, or watching Rob Roy ten times, or reading the
> Corpora without yawning, or any other appropriate disciplinary treatment
> to shock them out of their sick behavior.
>
>       Associate Diseases
>
>   Hoof in Mouth : A major disease among associates, varying in severity.
> This disease can be recognized by frequent outbursts of sarcasm, insults,
> and generally tacky comments. Apprentices seem to have the mildest cases
> with rampant outbursts directed only at each other. Squires are most
> likely to contract this disease after consuming vast quantities of
> alcohol.  Proteges have the most severe cases, and most often will
> involve volunteering YOU and your household for various duties, and
> frequently forgetting to tell you until the Thursday before.
>
>   Manic Depression : Also called "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
> I'm gonna eat some worms ." 'Nuff said.
>
>   Rampant Paranoia : This disease affects mostly Apprentices, who believe
> that everyone is persecuting them. Proteges are often convinced their
> blunder will cause the Knowne World, as we know it, to cease to exist.
> Squires KNOW that everyone is out to get them (and their new armor).
>
>  SPY NETWORKS : WARNING: THIS IS AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT SECTION.
> IF YOU READ NO OTHER
>  SECTION, READ THIS. THE LIFE YOU SAVE MAY BE YOUR OWN.
>
> The spy networks are inter-related groups whose sole ambition in life is
> to get everyone, especially you, in trouble. Until recently, little
> information was available on the two main groups, but with the aid of
> Master InkyFingers, we have identified them fully. For ease of detection,
> we will use the same classifications already in use in Meridies.
>
>   PSN - (Peer Spy Network) : This is the largest and most reliable group
> and consists of peers, those related to peers (spouses, associates,
> children, etc.) and those who have sold out to the peers. They report
> directly and only to the peers all information, gossip, slander, and
> secrets they can ferret out in any way possible. They are the ones most
> likely to be kind and warn you when your associate is about to make of
> fool of themselves or you.
>
>  ISN - (Independent Spy Network) : This group consists of any member of
> the populace. They will sell out for personal profit, advantage, or just
> for the fun of it, to either and/or both sides.
> WARNING: THIS GROUP
> DELIGHTS IN MAKING SURE THE KINGDOM KNOWS WONDERFUL THINGS LIKE: IT WAS
> YOUR SQUIRE THAT VOMITED INTO THE KINGS HELM DURING THE LAST POST REVEL,
> YOUR APPRENTICE WAS THE ONE THAT MISTOOK SALT FOR SUGAR WHILE COOKING THE
> LAST FEAST, AND YOUR PROTEGE FORGOT TO ORDER THE TOILET PAPER FOR
> PENNSIC.
>
>   AIA - (Associates Intelligence Agency) : This is a close-knit,
> tight-lipped, group, dedicated to preserving the notion that all that
> your associates do is for your honor and glory. Never in any
> circumstances expect them to "rat out" a fellow associate. (Unless of
> course you offer them, beer, chocolate or way cool fabric.)
>
>    In conclusion, you can see that owning an associate can be more
> troublesome than owning any other pet. However, it does have its
> rewards...
> although we have yet to figure out what they are...
> Mistress NoProblem and Sir Polearm
>