NK - Axe

[Langston, David R]

With all the axe talk, I thought everyone would enjoy it.
Wynfrith  (Still running with his head down)
                      BIG AXE
                        -Ragnar Morkwulf
                        -last two verses: Ioseph of Locksley
                  tune: "Big Iron" (Marty Robbins)
                        "Ghost Riders In The Sky"

 To the land of Ansteorra sailed a Viking one fine day
 He rowed right up the river to Bjornsberg, so they say
 No one dared to ask the reason why he came into this land
 For the Viking there among them had a Big Axe in his hand.

 It was halfway to September when he swaggered into town
 He came striding from the Southside, slowly looking all around
 "He's a Viking out for plunder!" came the whisper from each man
 "And he's here to do some mischief with that Big Axe in his hand!"

 Now in this town there was a Norman, by the name of Jean-Eclair
 He was foppish, and a dandy, and wore perfume in his hair!
 But he was somewhat more than vicious with the rapier at his side
 And the many men who faced him were the many men who died.

 Now the Norman's skill at wenching was a scandal in the land
 and a milkmaid (or a Duchess) were like putty in his hand
 He would use them for his pleasure and then send them home in shame
 And their menfolk greatly trembled at the mention of his name.

 Now the Viking started talking, made it plain to folks around
 That he'd come to wreak his vengance on the Norman in the town
 Jean-Eclair had bed his sister, and no bride-price had he paid
 And he'd sent her back to Norway slightly after she'd been laid....

 The Norman merely chuckled when this story he did hear
 He sharpened up his rapier - threw down another beer
 Forty vengance-seeking brothers he had slain - unto the man!
 forty-one would be this Viking with the Big Axe in his hand...

 The morning passed by quickly, then 'twas time for them to meet
 Wearing puffs and slashes, Jean-Eclair stood in the street
 The Viking, dressed in leather, and with furs upon his frame
 Was the object of the snobbish Norman's obvious disdain

 "I remember now your sister," said the Norman with a smile
 "You have similar taste in fashion, and no sense at all of style.
 I would rather slay your tailor, but I'll kill you where you stand
 You won't even have a chance to use that Big Axe in your hand!"

 "I sailed all da vay vrom Norway," said the Viking with a sneer
 "Not to enter fashion shows; for you would win, I fear.
 I come here to find a dog, whose blood I vowed to spill
 But it pleases me to see that you are dressed so - for to kill!"

 Jean-Eclair glared at the Northman with a face turned scarlet-red
 His honour would not let him rest till Viking blood was shed
 Townsfolk watched them from the windows - everybody held their breath
 They knew this tacky Viking was a hand away from Death.

 The Norman started forward, shining Murder in his hand,
 The Mistrels say the battle was the swiftest in the land
 Rapier'd barely cleared it's scabbard when the Axe came crashing down
 And the Norman toppled over, with the Big Axe for a Crown...

 It was over in a moment, and the folks all gathered round
 There before them lay the body of the Norman on the ground
 He had planned to go on living - never thought of lying dead
 But it's kinda hard to think when there's a Big Axe in your head!

 But then the fop took off his hat, and grinned, and softly said
 "Beneath these plumes I wear an iron cap upon my head!"
 And with an evil grin he pulled a pistol with a sigh
 And shot the great big Northman square between his beady eyes!

 So remember all you armoured folk, and think upon it well:
 There's lots of different ways to die; there's different ways to hell
 You might be big and hairy, on the side of Truth and all
 God makes Norsemen big and strong: Friar Bacon makes 'em small!