[Northkeep] FW: [EK] SCA boot of pain (fwd)
hughn at ssd.fsi.com
Tue Jan 11 11:19:52 PST 2005
So, Diarmaid... (or anyone else who's made shoes) have any stories like
this to tell? ^_^
> -----Original Message-----
> From: schuldy at morx.pair.com [mailto:schuldy at morx.pair.com]
> Sent: Tuesday, January 11, 2005 11:31 AM
> Subject: [EK] SCA boot of pain (fwd)
> An auction on eBay, from a lordgustavjameson:
> "SCA Boots of Pain handmade by an Idiot".
> The story:
> After a soggy wet Lilies war last year. I decided that it
> would be good to have new pair of boots. I wanted boots I
> could fight in, and that would last a long time. So I bought
> some 9-10 oz natural tan leather, the same stuff you might
> make armor from, and set out to make myself a pair of boots.
> I got the boots done, and they fit too tight.
> So my buddy Aidon and I went to the local leather shop to try
> to find some sort of leather lotion or softener. The guy
> sold me some stuff called "saddle butter", he said it would
> make them all soft and comfy and they would break in well.
> "just use a heat gun to warm them up and paint this stuff on
> them". Great! So I go home, I don't have a heat gun so I
> fire up the kitchen oven and warm up the boots. I start
> taking glops of this saddle butter and rubbing it into the
> boots. The smell was very familiar but did not register with
> me right at first. All done! The boots are very soft and
> floppy. So I put them out on the counter to dry. I come
> back 30 minutes later and they are hard as a rock. I look at
> the label on the saddle butter. "Bee's wax, Carnauba wax,
> Paraffin wax". F#ckin great! I just Cuir Bouilli my boots.
> So now they are still too tight, and they are hard as a
> f#ckin rock. I try to force them on with a shoe horn. I try
> to grease my foot with vegetable oil. I can barely get them
> on, but they are so tight they hurt. I try walking around the
> block a few time to see if that helps but to no avail.
> So I call my Dad. Dad says to take rubbing alcohol and water
> 1:1 and rub them inside the boots and put them on. That will
> stretch them out to fit.
> So I mix up the boot stretch cocktail and, being a little
> impatient, I rub it all over the boots inside and out. Then
> shoe horn them back on. I get about five steps before the
> sensation of a burning fiery agony reaches my lizard brain.
> Unknown to me at that time I had rubbed an open blister on
> the top of my fourth toe in the vegetable oil attempt to
> stretch them out.
> Now the alcohol was hitting open nerves. Screaming in agony,
> I drop to the floor, and try to pull the boots of pain off my
> feet. They won't give, they stretched just enough to get a
> good suction and weren't going anywhere. My buddy Aidon was
> there for this entire ordeal, but can't help me because he's
> incapacitated with laughter. "Get them off! Get them off!" I scream.
> He grabs my right foot and pulls on the boot. Pulls hard
> enough that he pulls me down the hall way of my house. My
> shirt rolls up and the carpet puts a long red burn across the
> small of my back. He still can't get the boot off, so he
> tries to put his foot on something to lend leverage so he can
> pull harder. Unfortunately, the item he chooses to brace
> against was my groin. So now I've got a 300 pound dude
> standing on my nutz while my foot is on fire. Suddenly the
> boot comes free. Aidon is sent sprawling backward and I'm
> just glad he's not standing on my junk anymore. Then I hear
> that tell-tale dull thud. The sort of dull thud that drywall
> make when a 300 pound dude knocks a hole in it the size of
> his back. I look up, Aidon is holding the boot still, and
> "sitting" in the hole he created in my wall.
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