[Northkeep] FW: [EK] SCA boot of pain (fwd)

Niewoehner, Hugh hughn at ssd.fsi.com
Tue Jan 11 11:19:52 PST 2005

 So, Diarmaid... (or anyone else who's made shoes) have any stories like
this to tell?   ^_^  


> -----Original Message-----
> From: schuldy at morx.pair.com [mailto:schuldy at morx.pair.com] 
> Sent: Tuesday, January 11, 2005 11:31 AM
> Subject: [EK] SCA boot of pain (fwd)
> An auction on eBay, from a lordgustavjameson:
> "SCA Boots of Pain handmade by an Idiot".
> The story:
> After a soggy wet Lilies war last year. I decided that it 
> would be good to have new pair of boots.  I wanted boots I 
> could fight in, and that would last a long time.  So I bought 
> some 9-10 oz natural tan leather, the same stuff you might 
> make armor from, and set out to make myself a pair of boots.  
> I got the boots done, and they fit too tight.
> So my buddy Aidon and I went to the local leather shop to try 
> to find some sort of leather lotion or softener.  The guy 
> sold me some stuff called "saddle butter", he said it would 
> make them all soft and comfy and they would break in well. 
> "just use a heat gun to warm them up and paint this stuff on 
> them".  Great! So I go home, I don't have a heat gun so I 
> fire up the kitchen oven and warm up the boots.  I start 
> taking glops of this saddle butter and rubbing it into the 
> boots.  The smell was very familiar but did not register with 
> me right at first.  All done!  The boots are very soft and 
> floppy.  So I put them out on the counter to dry.  I come 
> back 30 minutes later and they are hard as a rock.  I look at 
> the label on the saddle butter.  "Bee's wax, Carnauba wax, 
> Paraffin wax".  F#ckin great!  I just Cuir Bouilli my boots.  
> So now they are still too tight, and they are hard as a 
> f#ckin rock.  I try to force them on with a shoe horn.  I try 
> to grease my foot with vegetable oil. I can barely get them 
> on, but they are so tight they hurt. I try walking around the 
> block a few time to see if that helps but to no avail.
> So I call my Dad.  Dad says to take rubbing alcohol and water 
> 1:1 and rub them inside the boots and put them on. That will 
> stretch them out to fit.
> So I mix up the boot stretch cocktail and, being a little 
> impatient, I rub it all over the boots inside and out.  Then 
> shoe horn them back on.  I get about five steps before the 
> sensation of a burning fiery agony reaches my lizard brain.  
> Unknown to me at that time I had rubbed an open blister on 
> the top of my fourth toe in the vegetable oil attempt to 
> stretch them out.
> Now the alcohol was hitting open nerves.  Screaming in agony, 
> I drop to the floor, and try to pull the boots of pain off my 
> feet. They won't give, they stretched just enough to get a 
> good suction and weren't going anywhere.  My buddy Aidon was 
> there for this entire ordeal, but can't help me because he's 
> incapacitated with laughter. "Get them off! Get them off!" I scream.
> He grabs my right foot and pulls on the boot.  Pulls hard 
> enough that he pulls me down the hall way of my house. My 
> shirt rolls up and the carpet puts a long red burn across the 
> small of my back.  He still can't get the boot off, so he 
> tries to put his foot on something to lend leverage so he can 
> pull harder.  Unfortunately, the item he chooses to brace 
> against was my groin.  So now I've got a 300 pound dude 
> standing on my nutz while my foot is on fire.  Suddenly the 
> boot comes free.  Aidon is sent sprawling backward and I'm 
> just glad he's not standing on my junk anymore. Then I hear 
> that tell-tale dull thud.  The sort of dull thud that drywall 
> make when a 300 pound dude knocks a hole in it the size of 
> his back. I look up, Aidon is holding the boot still, and 
> "sitting" in the hole he created in my wall.

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