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Sun May 28 18:41:19 PDT 2006

You know you've watched too much "Iron Chef" when....

...You order food at Denny's and send it back due to "poor
...You're a sanitation worker and insist on being called "The Delacroix
of Garbage."
...When someone asks you a question, you always respond with "If memory
serves me right..."
...You wonder how that old carburetor in the garage could add a unique
and creative spin to the presentation of your sloppy joes (nakamura
...You start lobbying department stores to carry a Takeshi Kaga line of
...Paranoia that no matter what you're doing, somewhere out there, Kishi

Asako is criticizing you.
...When at the dinner table you say "I feel a little selfish, but could
you please pass the salt?"
...You are always disappointed when your dessert doesn't incorporate the

"theme" ingredient of your entree.
...You have your kitchen rigged so that your can of Spaghetti-Oh's,
descends from the ceiling.
...You know you're too into Iron Chef if, when someone calls your name,
you always respond, "Hai Dozo."
...When the phrase, "soh des neh," which is Japanese for "uh-huh," crops

into your casual conversation....
...When your spouse makes a point of mentioning that she DID see Takeshi

Kaga on that "Les Miserables" PBS special that runs during every pledge
drive, and now she can stop wondering why he looked so familiar...
...If you've ever picked up a yellow bell pepper at the produce market
and even remotely considered taking a big bite out of it right then and
there with a goofy grin on your face....
...after looking in your refrigerator, you announce to your spouse that
tonight it's "Battle Leftovers!" go grocery shopping early Saturday afternoon and stock up on lots

of goodies because you know you're going to be *starving* after the
... when you begin to wonder how beef fatty net could enhance the
and presentation of your grilled cheese sandwich.
...While peddling your bicycle up a grueling hill, you turn to your
partner, panting, and announce "!" start referring to the Domino's Pizza delivery guy as "The Hero
Italian Cuisine" refuse to eat meals at restaurants unless the chef comes out and
"personally serves" you the dish.
...You terrorize your family by sounding the Gong of Fate while they're
saying Grace
...You get tossed out of Baskin Robbins for demanding marscapone & soft
shelled crab on a waffle cone
...When you're given your great-grandmother's secret recipe for
lingonberry jam, you think "Ah, just like in native Sweden"
...You won't help out in anyone else's kitchen without a 2-minute
biography and an honor guard
...When asked how you learned to cook, you reply "At the age of 12 I
first entered the culinary world..."
...You quit watching "This Old House" because the kitchen remodels never

include a broadcast box and hydraulic lifts
...You're watching The Three Tenors on PBS and for some reason you keep
thinking of cherry blossom time
...You look at your kitchen ceiling and realize you've got to cut back
...You return your ice cream maker to Williams-Sonoma in an outrage
because the stupid thing jammed when you put in the Coca-Cola and
...when you catch yourself repeating the mantra 'Yes I love my job'
during a lull in the work day.
...when you mention to your dinner host that the 'flavor of the garlic
clearly evident'. start playing the famous Iron Chef piano chords (the ones at the
end) before the deciding play on Monday Night Football... start noticing that a shot of the Kandagawa entourage looks like
scene from a warped gangster film... are enraged that See's Candy does not make Chocolate Dipped
Shiitake Mushrooms. insist on entering the kitchen with a pear in your hand,
accompanied with a long banner with your name and enlarged pictures of
you "in action".  Even better: you have your friends carry washrags on
poles representing your kitchen whenever you're invited to cook at a
friends house. get kicked out of Hometown Buffet for suggesting a "two sweetfish

maximum" serving portion.
...The theme song, complete with choir, haunts your every tuna sandwich
...You try to decide whether whatever you're preparing for dinner will
become soup or dumplings
...Thoughts of deep frying cornsilk creep into your head as you open
another can of creamed corn
...You start thinking that animal entrails would make an interesting
...The idea of eel and melon sorbet sounds very refreshing
...You try to find chef hats to match your silk pajamas.
...You tell your boyfriend that you would leave him in a minute for
Taga...but only for the clothes.
...The song "Fish Heads" stirs up visions of papaya.
...You search for black silk gloves with ruffles at the wrist, only to
ruin them a day after buying them by squeezing a tomato in anger.
...When you only have bbq sauce, three eggs, celery, and pickled herring

in your house, you concern yourself with what plates you are going to
serve your five dishes in.
...You cancel your plans to go to the Liberace Museum because Kaga is
kind enough to model the outfits each week.
...Your roommates get mad when you come home from shopping without
frogfish innards.
...During the mashed potato scene in "Close Encounters of the Third
Kind", you think Chin could do a better job with presentation than
...You wonder if sweating profusely while cooking will enhance the
of the meal.
...You know you're too into the Iron Chef when, as your dinner guests
arrive, you point to each pot on the stove and announce, "the contents
the stockpot are. . ." start topping all small food items with cavier. do your holliday shopping at Oritz Gift. have nightmares about having Kishi Asako over for dinner.
...You can actually have a discussion on the value of Frogfish as a main

...You seriously believe ANYTHING can be made into a sorbet.
...Every meal you make is first covered with a table cloth then
dramatically exposed by yanking the cover and letting out a yell.
...You quickly wrap a long scarf around both shoulders, under the
armpits, every time you are wearing a blue shirt while making dinner so
that the sleeves stay out of the way.


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