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<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 color=navy face=Arial><span style='font-size:
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<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Tahoma><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Tahoma'>-----Original Message-----<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>From:</span></b> Peter A. Schorn
[mailto:peterschorn@pdq.net] <br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Sent:</span></b> </span></font><st1:date
Month="12" Day="18" Year="2003"><font size=2 face=Tahoma><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Tahoma'>Thursday, December 18, 2003</span></font></st1:date><font
size=2 face=Tahoma><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Tahoma'> </span></font><st1:time
Hour="19" Minute="51"><font size=2 face=Tahoma><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Tahoma'>7:51 PM</span></font></st1:time><font size=2 face=Tahoma><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Tahoma'><br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>To:</span></b> Betsy Marshall; Beth Ham;
christiegolden.com; Corrinne Elizabeth Drake; HiyoAG24@aol.com; Jeff Verona;
Jeffery Hartley; Joe Wolf; Lee & Susan; Lisa Woodworth; Paul DeLisle; Ruby;
rudin; Tia; Trixie A Delisle; Troyce Wilson; Wilkerson, Glen D;
ylwrose2@juno.com<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>Subject:</span></b> Queer Eye For...</span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:12.0pt'><b><font size=3
face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:12.0pt;font-weight:bold'>...Fox
Mulder:<br>
<br>
</span></font></b>THOM: Ohhhh-kay. For the record, you can make a coffee table
out of almost anything: a door, an ottoman, old steamer trunks. You cannot make
a coffee table out of stacks of porn videos.<br>
<br>
MULDER: That’s not a coffee table. It’s just -- convenient.<br>
<br>
TED : Guys, do NOT sit on the sofa. <i><span style='font-style:italic'>(Thom
quickly begins covering the sofa in Saran Wrap.) <br>
<br>
</span></i>MULDER: Probably wise. <br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: Let’s talk about this
closet. I’m not seeing anything too scary here. That’s because
I’m only seeing one thing here. Tell me, Fox -- GREAT name -- what do you
wear to work?<br>
<br>
MULDER: Dark suit, conservative tie.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: What do you wear when you
go out in the evenings?<br>
<br>
MULDER: Like to meet informants? Dark suit, conservative tie.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: And for a date?<br>
<br>
MULDER: Date? <br>
<br>
THOM: The rest of the apartment is like some Soviet décor gulag -- but the
bedroom is fantastic! Who did this for you? Because, let’s face it, you
didn’t do this yourself.<br>
<br>
MULDER: Kind of a weird story, really --<br>
<br>
<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>...Blair Sandburg:<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></b>KYAN: Okay. You have chosen to wear your hair this way because --
why?<br>
<br>
BLAIR: I don’t know. It’s always been curly. It’s this or
white man’s ‘fro.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City> <i><span style='font-style:
italic'>(sotto voce)</span></i>: And this is NOT white man’s ‘fro?<br>
<br>
KYAN: Don’t get me wrong; I salute you for avoiding the ‘fro
option. But you can’t just give up. You have to say, I’m willing to
fight this. I’m READY to fight this.<br>
<br>
BLAIR: I didn’t think it was that bad.<br>
<br>
KYAN: Science makes bold leaps forward in hair-care every day, Blair. Waxes.
Spray starches. Japanese thermal straightening. We have the technology. <br>
<br>
<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>...Captain Jack Sparrow:<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></b><st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: Okay, this is
your normal everyday look? This isn’t, like, terror drag?<br>
<br>
JACK: Oh, this old thing. <i><span style='font-style:italic'>(Holds out the
sleeves of his coat, tosses his hair.) <br>
<br>
</span></i><st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: Well, the good
side is, you’re not afraid to take chances. We can work with that. <br>
<br>
TED: Come and take a look at the bar. We’ve tried to provide a little
more variety, a little more finesse -- some top-brand vodka for mixers, a nice
brandy --<br>
<br>
JACK: Where is the rum?<br>
<br>
TED: Rum -- you know, rum’s nice in a pina colada or something like that,
but it’s a little downscale, and if you’ll just consider --<br>
<br>
JACK <i><span style='font-style:italic'>(pulls out musket)</span></i>:
We’ll be putting the rum back, mate.<br>
<br>
TED: And the rum goes back.<br>
<br>
<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>...Lex Luthor:<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></b>KYAN: Looks like I’m sitting this one out.<br>
<br>
THOM: The stained glass, the statues -- I feel like I’m visiting a
museum, not hanging out at a friend’s house. <br>
<br>
LEX: I don’t like my possessions stored away in vaults. Wealth
isn’t real unless you can see it. Unless you can feel it.<br>
<br>
JAI <i><span style='font-style:italic'>(stares long and hard)</span></i>: Are
you SURE you belong on this show?<br>
<br>
LEX: Maybe.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City> <i><span style='font-style:
italic'>(sticks his head in from the hallway)</span></i>: This man’s
closet is FULL of silk shirts in soft pastels and deep purple.<br>
<br>
LEX: Okay. Maybe not.<br>
<br>
<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>...Legolas Greenleaf:<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></b>KYAN: Most guys with long hair don’t put in the time to
condition properly, but you have, which is kind of the saving grace here. <br>
<br>
LEGOLAS: Elves have no split ends. Our hair is, like the rest of our bodies,
perfect and unchanging.<br>
<br>
KYAN: Well, it’s past time for changing, because this look hasn’t
been in since -- well, ever.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: Also, when you combine it
with this outfit you’ve got going? The overall effect is very Cathy Rigby
as Peter Pan. Not sexy.<br>
<br>
JAI <i><span style='font-style:italic'>(gestures toward the windows, which are
lined with screaming girls, all clawing at the glass)</span></i>: I’m not
sure this guy has a big problem with that.<br>
<br>
<i><span style='font-style:italic'>LEGOLAS smirks.<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></i><b><span style='font-weight:bold'>...Angel:<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></b><i><span style='font-style:italic'>The FAB FIVE stare.<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></i>KYAN: He uses product.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: The jacket, the pants, the
shirt -- it all works.<br>
<br>
THOM: Why are you even here?<br>
<br>
ANGEL: Cordelia made me. She wants your autographs.<br>
<br>
KYAN: It’s like he’s the One Straight Man foretold by prophecy.<br>
<br>
ANGEL <i><span style='font-style:italic'>(grimaces)</span></i>: Please, no
prophecies.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: For the first and only
time, I’m going to say it -- Don’t change a thing.<br>
<br>
ANGEL: Can I go now?<br>
<br>
<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>... Magneto<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></b>JAI: Okay, I feel like you’re giving off really hostile vibes.
What is the image you’re presenting to the world? What are you trying to
communicate?<br>
<br>
MAGNETO: That humanity’s time is over, and that they will soon be crushed
under my heel.<br>
<br>
JAI: Negative, negative energy. You’d be a lot happier if you’d try
something just a little lighter, a little more colorful. And so I thought
we’d start with your name. "Magneto" -- so harsh, and frankly,
it sounds like you’re trying just a bit too hard. <br>
<br>
MAGNETO: I no longer wish to be known by my human name.<br>
<br>
JAI: I get that. So I just want to show you -- we switch two letters around,
and we get something so much brighter: "Magento." <br>
<br>
MAGNETO: I’m going to have to kill you all now.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: Not before you explain this
helmet. <br>
<br>
<br>
<b><span style='font-weight:bold'>...Hogwarts:<br>
<br>
<br>
</span></b>KYAN: This hair -- this is not good. When did you last wash this?<br>
<br>
SNAPE: I have more important matters to attend to than hairstyles, frivolous
fool.<br>
<br>
<st1:City><st1:place>CARSON</st1:place></st1:City>: Starting with the wardrobe
choices. Green is <i><span style='font-style:italic'>not</span></i> your color.<br>
<br>
KYAN: You're a potions master, right? You can whip up a little Selsun Blue
sometime. Try it.<br>
<br>
SNAPE <i><span style='font-style:italic'>(smiles wickedly></span></i>: I did
put together -- this.<br>
<br>
<i><span style='font-style:italic'>The Fab Five stares at the bubbling
cauldron.<br>
<br>
</span></i>TED: That is the most disreputable Pinot Noir I've ever seen.<br>
<br>
SNAPE: It's not wine, you imbeciles! It's a potion.<br>
<br>
JAI: And that would be a potion that does -- what?<br>
<br>
SNAPE: Those exposed to it develop a lifelong affinity for -- polyester.<br>
<br>
THOM: Run! Run! Now! Now!<br style='mso-special-character:line-break'>
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