RF - Family

[jacinth]

Allie,

I am replying to you on this matter privately, as I think enough has
gone on the public list and I am not one to fan the fire.  You seem to
have a number of grievances, and obviously you feel like an injured 
party (which you may be, as I am unaware of your personal situation).
We don't know each other, but I think we both can value relationships 
and feel hurt when they do not meet expectations.

If you are still upset, please wait until you calm down to read this.
It is not my intent to criticize, but to offer a point of view.

> >Not that my opinion ever really mattered to anyone..
>
>Your opinion has counted as much as anyone elses..
>your problem is the way you presented it.

In a sense this is correct, although as I see it everyone is having
that problem right now.  Too many people are burning with anger over
some of the things that were said, and are not thinking with open minds.

>PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR CLARIFICATION BEFORE MAKING ASSUMPITIONS. 

I am sorry if this has happened to you, but this happens in many groups,
even outside the SCA.  It is human nature.  It is our duty to try and
change it, but really we are the only ones that have control over that
(ourselves).  If you act with honor, you can take or leave what others
believe of you.  Honestly, I have been stabbed in the back many times
by jealous people.  The trick is realizing that there are people out
there to pitied and prayed for...  I feel sorry for people who behave
like this.  Were we not asked to turn the other cheek?  To offer the
other to those who attack us?  Lead by example, and who cares what
others think.

>SO I STOPPED HELPING THOSE ITHOUGHT i COULD RESPECT.
> >because I have always been the one people have
>outcast >ebcause I was different..
>
>Look around...real hard...everyone in this group has
>been outcast...different...a misfit... or otherwise
>not really fit in somewhere...

Well, if nothing else, RF folks are unique.  Sometimes folks forget that
our strength is in our uniqueness.  There have been times when I didn't
feel like I fit in here any longer.  Know what I did?  I started my
own group... I didn't call it a household or anything formal like that.
I just gathered to me all the people I admired and who needed friends.
It didn't matter what others thought of them.  If they presented 
themselves with honor, then they were welcome.  I feel that it was too
bad that I did not get to know you... I left the area for a long while,
and followed someone not worthy of respect, but when I came back I 
resumed things as before.  Perhaps then you would not lump me and others
who are listening to this argument, and judge us also with the same
standard you wish yourself to be judged by.

>A NEW INDIVIDUAL SHOULD BE ACCEPTED WITH OPEN ARMS, AND SHOWN HOW TO HELP 
>NOT HINDER. I WAS NEVER GIVEN THAT CHANCE, NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A 
>PART OF THIS GROUP I HAD TO LEARN THE HARD WAY, AND WHEN I ASKED QUESTIONS i 
>WAS PUSHED ASIDE BECAUSE IT TOOK TOO LONG FOR THOSE TO EXPLAIN WHAT i NEEDED 
>TO KNOW. ONLY A SELECT FEW, THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE HELPED ME SEE WHERE I WAS 
>GOING WRONG.. THE REST OF THEM MADE ME AN OUTCAST.

I am very sorry you feel this way.  I cannot judge this, as I was not
present for this.  Thinking back, I suppose I learned things the hard
way, too... but that was a long time ago, and we weren't even a Barony
yet, much less a full-fledged shire.  Although, thinking back, I recall
being approached by someone at my first populace... they asked me if I
wanted to be in a household; I had not idea what they were talking
about, but the rest is as they say... history.

> >and tried too hard..
>
>in the wrong ways
>
>SAME AS ABOVE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO... AND WHEN I WAS WRONG.. MANY 
>DIDN'T TRY TO HELP ME... THEY JUST TALKED BAD ABOUT ME.. AND WHEN IT GOT TO 
>ME..IT HURT BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT MANY OF YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE COMMON 
>RESPECT OF FRIENDSHIP.

Exactly what in the world did you do?  

> >I just >got tired of trying to live up to everyone's
> >needs...
>
>not your job!!! You cannot fufill needs of people you
>don't know well.
>
>yES, BUT THAT ISTHE TYPE OF EPRSON I AM, I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN OPEN, ANS 
>WILLING TO HELP, AND WHEN I DID MAKE A MISTAKE THIS IS WHEN OTHER HAD TAKEN 
>ME FOR GRANTED.. I MESSED UP ONCE... AND THEN i WAS OUTCAST.

I don't know.  You obviously have a desire to help... perhaps you just
tried too hard?  It isn't right, but maybe looking at it from the other
person's perspective might shed some light?  Have you asked them
personally?

>WELL AGAIN... FRIENDSHIP SHOULD ALWAYS BE GIVEN, NOT EARNED. RESPECT SHOULD 
>BE GIVEN, AND EITHER LOST, OR GROW DEPENDING UP N THAT PERSON, ACCEPTENCE 
>SAME HERE... EVERYONE SHOULD BE ACCEPTED WITHOUT JUDGEMENT IN ANY SITUATION. 
>NO ONE CAN BE THE FIRST TO JUDGE BECAUSE WE HAVE ALL SINNED.

I agree with this to a point, however I might point out that life is
not fair... and people are not infallible.  Sometimes they just don't
know any better.  Just as true as the fact that we have all sinned, we
should hate the sin, but love the sinner.  They may have done you
wrong, but it is not a good reason to hate them.  Pray for them, and
go on your way.   Perhaps some day God will open their eyes and they
will see what damage they are doing.

> >and now I can't because
> >some are just too selfish to give ...
>
>people are not required to give anything...
>giving is voluntary...and just because they
>don't chose to give you someting you want from
>them is no reason to condemn them...
>
>I KNOW THIS, BUT STILL WHEN PEOPLE GIVE..INSTEAD OF TAKE.. OR IGNORE...IT 
>HELPS EVERYONE OUT.. NOT JUST THOSE INVOLVED. I WAS NOT CONDEMING ANYONE...I 
>WAS MAKING A PPOINT TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT GIVING IS MUCH BETTER THAN 
>HIUNDERING EVERYONE AROUND... IN ANY SITUATION.

Unfortunately, we can not hold other people to our standards.  They
are responsible for their own actions, and will answer to God someday.
It is hard to realize that we can't change other people, they have to
realize for themselves what they are doing.  Lead by example.  Often
preaching at them is not going to change things.  Go on being generous,
as actions speak louder than words.  I would be very sad if you gave up
"who you are" because of some bad apples.

> > and when people try to show they
> >acre.. they are rejected
>
>depends upon what cost you are requiring for
>your "freely giving", almost all your gifts
>come with "strings" ...
>
>MY GIFTS NEVER HAD STRINGS.... IF YOU BELIEVE THIS..MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY 
>TALKING TO SOMEOF MY FRIENDS THAT i HAVE HAD FOR YEARS????

I would ignore this.  If you have friends, thank God for them, and find
more.  Real friends will come to you and talk about problems; they will
watch your back; they will love you unconditionally.  Who cares about
the ones who don't?  I wouldn't waste extra energy on them; I've learned
that you can't please everyone.

> >why can't we all just be a family.?????
>
>We are...some of the worst fights and feuds
>are those that start with family...
>
>I HAVE LIVED IN A FAMILY LIKE THIS.. AND IT DROVE US APART HOWEVER...

There is family and there is "family".  You are the one who choses to
associate with certain others.  If a bad situation arises, do your best
to listen... heck, follow your own excellent advice.  You shouldn't let
this stuff get to you.  That is what causes families to fail.  If you
show a willingness to talk without arguing or making accusations, it
is possible others will be willing to do the same.  It is when people
allow their emotions to rule that conflicts as we have been seeing can
occur.

>Just because people bicker does not mean they
>hate each other...it is just another form of
>communication...if people were always pleasant
>and politically correct...they are showing a
>facade...they are not showing
>their true selves or emotions...
>
>A FORM OF COMMUNICATION DOESN'T INVOLVE NAME CALLING, HURTFUL RESOLUTIONS 
>(UNLESS DONE TRHOUGH TRUTH AND LOVE), I KNOW CONVERSATIONS AND COMMUNICATION 
>ISN'T ALWAYS PLEASENT, BUT THERE ARE BETTER WAYS TO KEEP THEM OFF THE 
>E-WAVES SO OTHERS DON'T HAVE TO HAVE IN THIER BOX, BETTER STEPS AND RATIONAL 
>COMMUNICATION GETS THINGS DONE BETTER AND MORE PLEASENTLY THAN BICKERING.. 
>AND YELLING, AND ETC.

I keep saying this, but "turn the other cheek".  In the end, it really
doesn't matter what others say.  It is how we feel about ourselves when
we look at ourselves in the mirror.  If you feel you have done your
best, who cares what others think.  God knows our innermost thoughts,
and he will know you did all you could.  Our friends and family that are
true will see this, too.  I wasted too much time in feeling bad about
things that I didn't appreciate all the good things.  The only opinions
that matter about ourselves is the self and God.

>and no one likes fake people...
>
>I HAVE NEVER BEEN FAKE, IF YOU OR ANYONE HAS PRECIEVED THAT i HAVE BEEN.. 
>AGAIN.. 

I perceive a lot of bitterness here.  Let it go, sister.  I sympathize,
and I have been there.  I hope that this has not come accross as 
preachy, as I feel a lot of pain from you and I hope to offer a little
advice from long experience.  If it is any consolation, I have been in
the SCA for 14 years.  The troublemakers rarely last.  If you are still
here, then there's hope yet. :)

God Bless,

-Jacinth-